guess this is it..

just like michael jackson's song..

- i hate cold blooded girls *
8:02 PM

thanks guys for such a crazy day haha!..

benjamin as usual giving me his motivation talk like years ago..
i understand ben :)
thanks! ur little mag here is working hard :)..

im happy today.. picking up wat i've missed and moving on.. so much fun.. although still abit not used to life.. without her voice and everything.. but i mustn't give up..
jiayou!

btw im very happy to see meimei and didi together finally after so many yearrrrs :D..
such love is rare..
cherish it! :D

i sincerely give them my best wishes! hehe!
hope everything will be smooth and well till the end ^_^

hahaha thanks the guys and mei for accompanying me for foot reflex before i go back camp for 7 days.. im really grateful...
but next time! im going to ask zn and ben to do it also haha!

i love you all!!!

MUACKS to my bros! hahahaha!

i'm recharged for the 7days! i just hope i dun get anymore flash back and stuffs..

byebye! blog again when im in camp over the weekend maybe..

- i hate cold blooded girls *
8:20 PM

just came back after chatting with the guys etc...

im more calm now after some thoughts and i've seen through somethings..

im tired...

im going to sleep..

- i hate cold blooded girls *
4:38 AM

you then pony wor! <3 silly boy
3 May | Delete

whenever i stumble upon things she wrote or images i will feel even more heart pain....

... everywhere is filled of memories with her...

my wallet, my room, my table, my field pack, my uniform, EVERYTHING i have got her touch on it before and some even have words of love...

all my hp got the messages she send since we met...

ITS REALLY TOO MUCH TO JUST LET GO...

one who onces told you that she loves you alot alot.. cant live without you.. etc etc.. can just choose to let it go like that.....

- i hate cold blooded girls *
9:18 PM

Yvonne went from being "in a relationship" to "it's complicated

guess she made the next move..
soon it'll be single.. and haha i can see alot guys already starting to 'react'..

wat can i do? she made the decision.. love cant be forced...
i tried to make her stay..
i didnt cheat on her..
my life was all about her..
1 and only girl haha..
i never restricted her did i..

since shes already so hard hearted.. wat more shd i hold on to..

please dont treat it as if im the one who wanted to break.. u made the choice so the one which is suffering isnt you...

i know you changed your password wayy.. before i even knew you would...

you think i'll hack you?.. i guess im so low life in your image eh..

leave me in a pile of shit to dig myself up... you dont even care...
if i never sms you, you're even happier.. so i stopped..

the 2nd impact you gave me was when i realise you've change your password..

whether you read this anot doesnt matter..

i dont know wat you bitch to your friends abt me, whether you tell them the same as wat you told me..

i only know you walk out on me just like that..
weeks ago you could still be sending me sweet stuffs.. suddenly you just give me cold shoulders and leave me to suffer in camp eventhough you knew how much i miss you.. make me suffer 10 over days trying to figure out wat i wish wasnt the result..

this month was insane.. if not because of my friends whom didnt give up on me i think i would had really died...

yes its all one sided now.. i dont know how you feel.. but i do know you dont want to see me and you dont even care... you dont bother to msn me or even msg.. nothing... and when i does the above you will respond with such coldness that can kill even a dinosaur...

who should be the one thats swimming in a pool of alcohol now?.. the victim or the one who wanted this?....

you leave me hanging there... tell me you want to study.. yahs.. tell me you still love me.. but the next day you can treat me like as if the past were nothing to you... such a heartless person can still feel sad?.. can i know wat exactly are you trying to do now??....

you're the one thats breaking up with me.. i never cheated on you or watever to make you heart broken k!

you said you feel responsible for me when you're with me.. so you've to let this r/s go so you can find back yourself....

but is this all just an excuse? in the end the answer is just.. you dont love me anymore right??..

who's the one that says she wanted a simple love.. and money cant buy EVERYTHING.. now who's heading the way of the achiever.. and worry abt my future etc.. eventhough i already am planning my own future.....

why are u feeling sad now.. and all the stuffs going on in fb huh.. just wana torture me.... you've all your guys and girls out there cheering for you....

aniway sorry im really frustrated now.....

you're moving on really fast... our past is really nothing to you... now i dont even know who i was with all the while.... why would i fall in love with such a girl.......

im going to delete all the messages later on.. i guess its really pointless holding on anymore... hopes.... leads to more pain......

PAIN PAIN PAIN! DO YOU CARE!? NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOUR SO HEARTLESS WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH PAIN IM GOING THROUGH..
I CANT EAT SLEEP OR CONCENTRATE ON ANYTHING..
I FEEL LIKE AS IF IM GOING INSANE SOMETIMES..
I DONT EVEN KNOW WHO AM I AND WHAT AM I DOING..
DOING THINGS JUST TO MAKE THE PAIN LESSER..
AHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GGIRLS!!!@!$!%!@#!@#!$!~@~@$~

I MAY NOT BE THE BEST/UNDERSTANDING/ROMANTIC/SUPER LOVING BF SOMETIMES BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY I CAN TELL YOU I REALLY LOVE YOU AND I REALLY TREATED YOU AS THE WOMAN I WANT TO BE WITH THE REST OF MY LIFE.. MY LOVE FOR YOU WERE ALWAYS TRUE.. AND I MEANT WATEVER I SAID.. WHEN I SAID FOREVER I MEANT IT..

I REALLY OVER REACTED AT TIMES AND OVER SENSITIVE.. BUT ITS ALL BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU TOO MUCH....

I CHANGED FOR THE BETTER FOR YOU, I CAN TRY TO DO EVERYTHING WITHIN MY ABILITIES.. JUST TO PROVE..

THATS HOW IMPORTANT YOU WERE!

BUT NOW YOU'RE LEAVING ME..

OVER...

I WANT TO FOCUS ON MY STUDIES AND BE A ACHIEVER AND YOU COULDNT DO THAT BECAUSE YOU'RE IN A R/S.. AND YOU CANT BE YOURSELF...

HAA....

I GOT NOTHING TO SAY ANYMORE...

YOU HURT ME DEEPLY ONCES AGAIN... AND I HOPE THIS IS THE LAST TIME I WILL EVER BLEED FOR YOU AGAIN...

BLAME MYSELF FOR BEING BLINDED BY LOVE..

FUCKING HARD TO GET OVER SOMEONE WHO I'VE BEEN SO CLOSELY ATTACHED TOGETHER FOR ALMOST 31MONTH..

AND ITS EVEN HARDER TO REALISE ITS ALL JUST A LIE...

WTF JUST HAPPENED WHEN YOU WENT HK.. BEFORE THAT YOU CAN STILL MSG ME YOU MISS ME AND LOVE ME ETC.. EVERYTHING WAS STILL SO SWEET.. THEN WHEN YOU RETURN YOU JUST CHANGED WITHIN A FEW DAYS.........

- i hate cold blooded girls *
8:23 PM

just woke up cause i had a dream again..

and i don't want to continue laying in bed with those images..

zzz...

- i hate cold blooded girls *
11:32 AM

thanks to all my friends who've been with me..



離開我
再也沒有決裂的時候
就讓靈魂徹底的墜落
喔~喔~
放逐過
還逃不出你的左右
怪只怪我把愛當寄託
一時迷惑一路犯錯
給我死心的理由
誓言融雪時別沉默
我的美麗只剩哀愁
怕看見溫柔眼眸
怕斷了唯一的出口
就無處可躲
你時而熱情時而冷漠的雙手
多叫人心痛

- i hate cold blooded girls *
10:46 AM

hmms.. couldn't sleep well last night keep tossing and turning around on the bed.. while the rest were snoring away in the ops room..

i don't know what time it was when i finally fell asleep.. but i woke up only at about 12+pm.. hahas its the only treat we can give ourself during duty.. to wake up later then 7am during the weekends duty..

hais.. i had a dream again.. and i didn't wanted to wake up.. some people says it takes the same amount of time you spend in the relationship to recover from it.. i don't know how true it is.. i only know shes the 2nd girl i wanted to spend my whole life with.. and the first to last over a year..

its a the first time im experiencing this kind of pain.. losing your other half after almost 3yrs.. really unimaginable...

sighs have to wash away all these emotions and be ready to work again tmr.. its dangerous to drive with a mind full of thoughts.. i've almost had an accident before due to it..

today i feel really dreaded.. i cant even think or type what im going through here.. as if my brain is giving itself some kind of drug to disable my feelings and thoughts.. my face sure look no different from a statue now.. emotionless? haha.. sounds stupid..

i don't know how shes doing, she just left me alone.. a day maybe 1 or 2 messages average? sometimes 0.. is this how fast girls can change and adapt?

why is it girls always prefer to be with bastards and some can even forgive those who had cheated on them.. what had i done to deserve this death penalty?..

i feel that i don't understand girls anymore.. is it because i haven been hanging out with girls to understand them better or is it because i don't know how to love them anymore..

i feel so lost again...

anyway i think this will be the last post till next weekend? cause during weekdays cant really use the office computer..

im going to stop here for now, need to go toilet.. stamachache again ><

- i hate cold blooded girls *
2:12 PM

im surfing around face book.. keeping my mind busy..

but then i found out something shocking.. i come across my MTO's account and when i added him i realised that he knows yue xing.. omg??.. i smsed him asking if they were from the same class.. and yes.. they were in the same class in SAJC..

what a small world..... i cant believe it...

is god playing a game with me?.. whats going on....

i feel so ashamed of myself..

to face everyone....

- i hate cold blooded girls *
1:54 AM

happy 31st month...

- i hate cold blooded girls *
12:04 AM

its a cold morning..

in the early morning it rained heavily and now its still drizzling..

i had a dream.. so real until i don't wish to wake up from it..

anyway last night me and few other duty personals just sat down and chatted.. chat abt alot of stuffs.. jofri and nazree were right about many things in life.. im going to take up some of their advises, including my own..

its the 6th day but the pain doesnt feel any lesser..
in 12hrs 5mins time it's suppose to be our 31st anniversary..
but now...

my hp is quiet..

still theres a need to change my lifestyle completely now.. i've grown out of the usual computer world.. theres afew stuffs im gonna get rid.. before i leave it completely.. erik and rasheed still dun wanna give up on making me join them in WoW.. -__- for some reason i can finally feel how sickening it is to talk/hear about games.. i felt the way she did... filled with regrets, i am..

i've really grown out of it.. the day which i've always been telling myself had arrived.. theres finally a full stop..

this was already happening since afew months back.. i just feel so tired to even put my mind on games.. really feel not interested..

still i might see new games and goes "nice"? but i don't expect nor imagine myself to ever sit in front of the computer and grind like a idiot again.. wasting every precious moment..

casual games like 1hr - 2hrs of L4D etc short games should still be fun with friends though.. but no more 24/7 nonsense again..

im too simple.. really.. its time to change drastically.. but its heart wrenching that my other half will never be there by my side to share and smile with me..

have faith in yourself!

Vision and faith go hand in hand. In order to have a vision of a brighter and better future, you must have faith. If your faith is weak, so is your vision. And if your vision and faith are weak, your future will remain the same as it is today..

im sorry..
if only i could turn back time..
i swear i would not be the same like before..

suddenly i seem to be able to feel all kinda song which i hear.. the lyrics etc.. emotions does amplifies the power of music.. music really plays a major role in life..

Goh YC! time to punch yourself out of this stupid emotional state please! kill your heart if you have to!!

why cant i just learn from all those stronger people out there....

- i hate cold blooded girls *
11:55 AM

congrats girl on clearing your accounting :)
i know it meant alot to you..

im really happy for you :)..

although i know i'll miss her even more by viewing her profile, but still i cant stop my hand from moving the mouse towards her name and clicking on it..

after all i still want to know whats happening to her and try to be there for her.. even if we're just friends now..

im glad shes going out with her friends now.. everything seems to be back on track for her.. it appears that shes really happier without me in her life..

haha.. i feel horrible but what else can i say... am i so lousy until i cant even give her simple happiness.. why cant i see through the fact that shes been putting up a fake smile all the while and do something about it...

this is where the sentence "its too late to apologize.." from the song apologize is mentioned in my mind to myself..

i don't want to blame anyone but myself.....

heart brokened once again..

panda retreat back into the forest alone..

all it can do was look..

in pain and helplessness..

as it's beloved koala waddles..

into the moonlight shadow..

slowly disappearing into the horizon..

looking at the last of the shadow of koala..

tears rolled down panda's cheek..

it's heart beat heavily with severe pain..

is this the end for panda? :(..

- i hate cold blooded girls *
9:40 PM

the guys are watching ice age 3 now.. it sure brings back alot of memories.. how i laughed with my dearest as we watched it..

many scenes made me recalled exactly what and how she smiled as she fitted nicely against me...

i really don't believe that there will be another girl like her coming into my life again.. its so hard to let go.. as much as i know she wont change her mind and probably whatever i try it'll just hurt me even more since she'll just back off or ignore me whenever i try..

i don't know how.. i really don't know...

she seem to be moving on very well.. it shows that shes really determined and maybe she don't even have anymore feelings left for me.. and i should respect that.. but.... will everyone really just let go the real love of their life just like that?..

I've never felt feeling this strong before.. so strong that i can be sure that she's the one i want to spend the rest of my life with...

why such love can just be gone just like that? i was stupid enough to not cherish it enough.. i only thought that if i was truthful and sincere everything will be fine.. but i was wrong.. love isn't only that.. it involves alot other factors..

micromanagement...

I've finally understand it.. but its too late... i know my life is going to change right after i ORD but i never expect it to be like that.. i thought i could return the time we've lost during this period and able to be there for her fully.. able to pick her up from sch and send her home etc since i'll have my lic by then.. so much so much more..

why..... why...........

im not what she thinks i am.. i am so much more.. i really wish i can have more time to prove it..

but its too late isn't it... deep in my heart i know.. i just don't wish to face it.. i still cant accept this...

yesterday night, LCP Sun played a china series show.. its a drama about family and romance.. the lead actress inside reminds me of her.. because the thing she did and said inside was so similar to her.. my heart was squeezed once more..

enough said.. i just want to release some of my thoughts.. its killing me as i cant share it with anyone in camp and i've to be stuck in here till next friday.. every morning im being tortured until i can distract myself by doing work or acting like a clown towards my friends here.. basically doing things so i wont think as much....

anyway no one visits my blog anymore.. so its just a empty vacuum for me to type now..

i have to be stronger....

- i hate cold blooded girls *
8:59 PM

arghz.. Having diarrhea these few days.. The cold weather plays a role in this..

Haiz while writing this the other operators here are making so much noise..

Sun just break off with his 'gf' haiz..

Ate two bottle of pills and applied medicated oil hopefully it will stop the diarrhea..

- i hate cold blooded girls *
9:39 PM

today's the 3rd day and considered the toughest day.. i couldnt keep up my smile for almost the whole day.. just sitting down and thinking how on earth did this happened? everything was like so sudden and till now i still cant believe wat happened..

its like as if i just had a car accident and is suffering from the aftershock..

aniway i'll continue to try because it'll make her happier..

- i hate cold blooded girls *
6:51 PM

hm never expect i will be feeling this again...

hais..

2 words..

心痛。。

心如刀割。。

i duno if it will ever heal and how im gona face the aftermath of wats coming.. the only person i can blame is myself.. why believe? why fall into this pit again when i sworn before to never repeat this again..

im learning from my mistakes again.. this is how people grow...

i'll be a better human.. i know u'll never regret becos i think long ago u've chosen this ending but im so stupid to never see it coming and preventing it from happening..

i can only hope now...
for a miracle to happen...
but i know these hopes are only there to reduce the pain.. they'll not come true..

how i really wish this is all just a bad dream at least i can slap myself up and everything will still be the way it was....

i duno how to make myself better.. trying not to think but the pain cant be removed.. i know when the mental barrier wears out the pain will be doubled or more..

takecare my love :(

- i hate cold blooded girls *
1:56 AM