sighs.. this week was awfully hard to get through.. after the long weekend last week it really felt like im back to the day i first enlisted... its so painful and miserable.. miss darling alot and was not motivated at all when i was in camp.. and when im alone and free i just dazed and think of the time i had with darling.. everyday night i just wana sleep early so that the days can pass sooner..

sighs.. this week onwards going to be tougher with more training and events on the que..

well time flies its evening again.. im was on msn and talking to zn about NS stuffs.. lol.. they're going to ORD le! so good lol.. i still have a long way to walk..

this is life lols.. anyway.. its another short weekend.. but at least i still get to meet up with darling.. lol.. i should start learning to be sastified easily i guess? *look around*.. i always nag that the weekend is too short blah blahs.. if i dun start to learn i will be nagging all the way till i ord =x bahss..

what if one day i become immune, heartless and dont feel anything anymore?.. if that happens.. that wouldnt be me ler...

i've seen alot of things during these months in NS.. seen alot of different guys and proves to me again how nasty and evil people can get/be.. the strong bully the weak blah blah.. its always like that..

im not surprised.. becos all these were wat i see in life.. it just made me feel that my senses and views were right most of the time.. i hope i can see some exceptions sometimes.. those are the real surprises... haiz..

so well.. yst i met up with baby.. then we had the usual weekend feast.. feast on watever thing we can grab lol.. insane.. then we watched movie and spent time together... almost felt like im back to the life i used to have with her before i enlist.. but i know i have to face reality...

darling had to work.. so we had to say goodbye shortly after we woke up today.. sighs.. another cycle of seperation.. everything was as normal.. then i had to do abit of admin work for my mum.. i normally hate to do things on weekend after being slaved and pushed around for the entire time in the army..

aniway hugs.. takecare my love.. the path ahead of u isnt going to be alone with me by your side.. i may not be the best at times but my love for you will always be true and warm.... at times i guess we both couldnt understand each other due to our individual problems in life.. but im sure we will improve over time...

thanks for everything once again baby.. i really appreciate and cherish all the time i have with you.. i hope u can see and feel my love too... not just through these words but physically and mentally too...

thanks for the peach drink,the snacks, booking the movie and also the maple session.. it was fun.. all i can be upset is that time wasnt kind enough.. congrats on lv62 darling.. im still hoping to see you priest since the last time i said so but take ur time im not like before le...

maybe we'll be able to get all the anniv items before it ends o.O lol!.. hugss..

muacks.. jiayou darling..! i hope i can be there for your graduation next friday! if i cant make it.. please must remember to take many many photos ok? i want to see u on the stage.. best if u can take video hee.. so i can see everything..

hugs!.. im so proud of u my love!.. u worked so hard for your course!.. muacks!.. i cant wait for the next weekend to come! i missing you so much already darling! sighs how am i going to survive this coming week?.. i dont know how... but i have to.. cause im not giving a choice.. sighs!.. damm NS... =(

baby's so busy at work.. guess shes going to end very late tonight again.. hope she'll remember to takecare of herself.. sobs.. *cuddles*

- i hate cold blooded girls *
6:36 PM

for the past few hrs i've been dazing and stoning..

i feel so extremely lonely nowadays... esp after baby start to work.. sighs....

very depressing today.. i think of next week i feel even more unmotivated.. i need to find back my source of strength...

i need to be stronger.. i cannot be so weak! i cannot give in to the darkness.. the line between darkness and light is just a step away.. i need to be the person i use to be..! outgoing, crazy, wild and wtf else that i used to be..

im just someone who's unmotivated, lifeless, aimless, living in solitude blah blah blah... i can name alot of negative points and see no positive points which i can use to redeem myself..

although i know i am just saying all these out in pure agony trying to make myself feel better.. i still holds on that one day i will change and improve.. im sure everyone around me is sick and tired of my emo-ness.. for years.. i've wanted to change.. but look where am i now? still the same personality isnt it?..

but now under harsh environment... i've to fight for my own life.. no one will lend u a hand becos this is life.. the weak will always be despised by others in the real world.. the road ahead no matter how rough it is.. it still have to be walked upon using my own pair of legs...

sighs..

加油吧！我希望将来有一天我会改变我对人生的看法而变成一个开心和充满信心的人。。

- i hate cold blooded girls *
4:57 PM

darling just left.. im back to my ownself lols.. just like a dream uh.. hais.. theres this evil side that keep wana take over me..

im so tired...

cant be bothered anymore.....

just going to stone and daze for now till i can see the light again...

- i hate cold blooded girls *
1:56 PM

happy 14th anniversary darling..

its pathetic that we cant celebrate again on the day itself and have to celebrate it on the next weekend if possible.. haiz...

sighs.. woke up awhile ago.. its sunday again.. haha.. im getting sick of this miserable cycle.. and as usual.. life continues..

this weekend was even shorter then before.. i didnt get to do much with darling except for eating and going through some animes.. and darling suddenly got recalled back to work place at night for really stupid reasons.. haiz!..

even on our one and only day together they also want to interrupt.. im really frustrated and disappointed.. though hrs later darling came back.. but it was already so late.. then in the night i had a horrible gestric pain.. after darling help me put on some oilment i fell asleep.. so didnt get to talk to darling etc also.. haiz..

it sucks when u look forward so much towards the weekend then it turn out to be not pretty much what u expected.. sighs.. bad news always have to come when we're finally together..

sighs.. i dun wan to say too much.. as some of these i think are rather private and better to be kept in my thoughts..

overall.. im feeling shitty.. my instructor always like to put me down.. but watever he said wasnt just emptiness.. actually its real and wat i always felt so.. although nowadays i try to ignore his words and react with just a smile or saying something to change the topic.. but still his words still lingers around my mind..

i need to be tougher mentally.. this is just the beginning.. i see everyone else who is coping so well with life in there.. most of them are just pure bastard.. just making use of each other etc.. being thick skinned is a very important asset to survive..

everyone in my current course is messed up.. everyday im facing monkeys and really not much difference comparing to a zoo.. so well i just sit there and stone my time away when im not involved in training and when darling's busy.. its a really horrible time i tell u.. haiz..

theres alot of negative thoughts.. but i dun feel like typing them out cos its just gona make me seem like a retard whiner again.. i'll just continue to contain them inside me and fight against them before they can consume me..

in conclusion i feel that im losing my emotions.. and starting to feel even more numb towards everything....

next week going to be another long week.... no nights out due to some monkeys fighting and smoking on non smoking day.. sighs..

get ready to count down for another 6 days...

darling is still sleeping now.. i duno wat time she need to go to work.. and i dun feel like knowing.. whenever i hear abt her work it just makes me boil especially on how her superior treating her.. but i also know its going to be good for her if she can get through this miserable period.. i just need to accept the sacrifises required.. im not going to disturb her since shes not in a good condition due to certain issue..

takecare my love.. i hope everything will be better..

i know this entry is so dull and dead.. becos thats exactly the kind of mood i've been going through....

- i hate cold blooded girls *
8:44 AM

sighs its sunday again.. so miserable.. no matter how much darling and i try to cherish our moments together.. time is never enough.. since the beginning of our love story time has never slowed down for us both..

but time always move so slow when we're apart.. so annoying.. sighs..

its going to be a tough week ahead.. with babe busy with her work schedules on the 5th and 9th etc.. and my super long weekdays of endless training and facing sacastic remarks every moment from my instructer.. but no matter wat i still have to hold on to all these shit and wish for it to be over.. its the same feeling over and over again everyday.. and even weekends.. its always the same good bye and pain...

sighs.. it felt like as if its been afew months of crap life.. but the fact is.. its not even 2month in this crap hole... i've just gotta drag myself on longer.. and wish for the days, weeks and months to get pass faster..

takecare darling! i know this weekend wasnt so pleasant cos of ur family problems and i know u've problems and stress with ur work too.. thanks for being there for me eventhough u're suffering urself.. sighs.. i know im grumpy at times as i think about the agony on the oncoming weekdays and stuffs.. and im thankful that so far u've been understanding towards my emotions and continue to support me with everything..

thanks darling.. u really meant so much to me.. sigh... alright i got to go prepare ler.. its late..

love you darling! hugs! hope time will pass sooner.. i know its sad for us next week.. since u've to work on sunday... sighss..

- i hate cold blooded girls *
7:27 PM

well darling is sleeping now and i just finish bathing.. sleepy.. but well i guess i will blog abit first before joining darling..

hais.. well things as usual was pretty suay for me.. but luckily i still manage to force myself pass them.. i hope next week i will still be able to force it through.. but definitely going to be harder as standards and expectations will be more then ever.. and we'll be having our HSP test next friday.. i hope i can pass it on my attempt so i dont have to get RT..

sighs but next week darling wont be able to be with me on sunday ler.. she got work on that day.. and its our anniv day too.. sighs.. makes me feel not motivated for next week..

hais.. sian.. it abt 12hrs time i will be getting ready to book in le.. so retarded.. hope time will pass faster.. everything is still so unpredictable for my NS life.. and im just looking forward to the end of each day thats all..

sians.. okie i think i'll end here.. thanks darling for accompanying me throughout this weekend.. hugs! love you darling!

- i hate cold blooded girls *
7:29 AM