this weekend was really a good one with darling.. she somehow is different.. and we didnt quarrel and had a very loving weekend.. i love you darling!

- i hate cold blooded girls *
3:48 PM

at 5:32pm darling left her office and come over to my house to spend the weekend to celebrate our 6 month anniversary.. i wasnt very happy becos she hurt me and i was really very upset as u can see in the earlier post of the day..

aniway i bathed and was waiting at home for her.. but after awhile i got worried for her dont know why.. and also becos her hp was cut off so if anything happens she cant contact me too.. so i decided to go out and wait for her so at 6+pm i went out to wait for darling at the hdb blocks.. well at around 7pm.. i saw her walking pass the hdb block.. so i followed on behind her.. actually want to give her a shock.. but in the end i just kept looking at her back view.. somehow i feel shes so pretty at the sametime she was very funny also.. becos she keep looking around.. lol..

at the same point.. the anger that i've got start to melt off.. well after following her for awhile she suddenly happen to turn her head back for a sec.. lol but she turned back.. then she turn back again in shock to realise that im actually behind her.. she showed a expression that makes me feel all the waiting was worth it.. and that smile and sweetness made me totally forgotten about all my anger..

after that when we're in my room.. she keep saying sorry to me for hurting me and such.. her sincerity made me felt loved onces again.. at this point of time i feel so happy and blessed to have her as my darling.. i simply love her so deeply..

- i hate cold blooded girls *
10:18 PM

sighs.. just came back from school.. these days i've been so freaky zombie in school.. just like a walking dead.. my body is in school but my mind doesnt seem to be here.. its drifting around.. thinking of all the countless problems i have and how to face/solve them..

haiz.. just read dar's blog.. it really made me felt speechless.. i really got nothing to say.. i guess im really stupid.. actually whenever when i had problems with darling my classmates can guess it out just by the look of me.. and my attitude.. i get irritated easily when they bug me.. example asking me to let them copy answers and stuffs.. but i didnt flare up at them just kinda show that irritated face and crap.. sighs.. but i got to thanks them for being able to bare with my 'attitude' in class.. sighs.. they did advised me to end this relationship with her since it isnt fair to myself and im just feeling so upset often due to the quarrels and restrictions.. sighs but i always never.. i admit that i really felt like ending this misery at times.. but somehow i just couldnt do it.. prolly cos i cant bare to do so and i also dont want to hurt her.. but most importantly im serious towards her.. so the only solution to make things better is to give in to her and try to avoid quarrels as much as possible..

but.. when i read her blog.. i really got nothing to say.. i guess im the one that love her more afterall.. at least my actions prove it.. i've changed for her but she didnt changed much.. i used to be the one that was demanding becos im serious in relationship and i admit i tried to change her to the way i wanted my "ideal" gf/wife to be.. but i've changed becos she didnt like it.. and now shes changing to a demanding person.. everything she expect it to be her way.. if not shes going to feel that i dont love her and start quarrelling with me again.. i hate to quarrel with her and i never liked doing it.. so whenever she want it her way i tried my best to give in.. even if i dont like it.. and i never complain about it until when she start to bring up matters to argue with me during our quarrels then i will take out all these and prove it to her.. but then she say yea i always want to win in every quarrel.. sighs i want to win? wat i get if i win?.. she also wont change.. all i want is to prove my innocent and show her wat i've already changed for her.. but she always turn around and shoot back at me.. i also nothin to say..

sighs.. now just becos my parents want me to help out at my dad's office then this relationship is splitting apart.. how great it is hur?.. yes its going to eat up the weekends.. but then i meet u on friday.. and u also can stay overnight at my place just that u cant stay for the whole day.. u're the one that say u dont want right?.. u keep minding about the fact that u think that my parents wants to break us apart.. which wasnt true at all!.. u keep telling me things like oh becos im their son so i cant feel it.. but come on lor i also have eyes and ears to judge.. and i've asked them yesturday night.. they also dont agree.. i know u will say oh becos im their son so they wont be truthful to me.. come on lor i know whats my parents character like.. yes they might not say the truth when u're around.. but yesturday night there was no outsiders.. they have no reason to lie to me..

on the blog u mention that u're the one thats getting worst.. how come u will say this on blog but when i mention to u on the phone u will always give replies like "hur hur" etc.. u said u want me to be happy?.. do u really meant it all the while? becos normally i just feel that u want things ur way.. u dont really bother about others much.. its just like u dont like to be restricted but yet u want to restrict ur bf.. still remember how u like to complain about how much u're being restricted by xxxx?.. aniway i also lived on with ur restrictions.. not as if i struggled for my freedom.. u dont like me to talk to girls etc.. yes i followed ur request.. and yet u still doubt me.. if u dont believe u can go ahead and spy on me.. but my conscience is clear.. i do wat i've promised.. eventhough people look at me like im a asshole that give up on friendship after i've got a gf i still live with it.. obviously i dont like it.. but wat can i do?.. if i dont u're going to quarrel with me.. so only way i can do to avoid the quarrels is to do wat u expect me to do..

im really disappointed with u becos u mention that ur love for me isnt as deep as the past becos of my parents and u feel that u couldnt be the girl friend i expect u to be.. i dont know why and how u get this thought out.. but if its really so.. isnt im suppose to be the one that should say it first?.. why do i have to accept all ur bad points and continue to live on with them.. do u find that a good reason?.. aniway watever it is i still have to say i respect it.. i guess our fate really going to end here.. i really got nothing to say anymore.. becos i've told u everything and i've tried my best.. since now u're the one that feel that u're expecting more and being more mature.. wat else should i say..

haiz aniway.. onces again.. these kinda thing got to happen just right when my final exams are approaching.. i just hope that i'll be able to get rid of all these and focus on my exams and not get affected again like last year when u rejected me right before my final exams and cause me totally moodless to study at all.. and i flung 2 modules.. aniway blame it that im so bad at focusing and concentrating..

aniway im glad at least u will still be happy with ur friends.. and u got yun back with u too.. i dont have to worry much about u.. cos im sure they will take good care of u..

i'll just try to find another life for myself now..

- i hate cold blooded girls *
3:19 PM

just had a talk with mum after dinner after talking to darling on the phone whereby she said something that really tear me apart.. sighs mum said that im such a failure as a man.. i had no reason not to agree with her that im really the most retarded guy around in this world.. but i did argue with her abit that wat i am today is also a outcome of her teaching.. then as usual she go compare me to my sisters.. then i replied its becos u taught me the way u taught my sisters thats why i became such way.. haiz aniway i also nv argue with her much ler.. shes aging and im also growing up i shdnt be like last time keep arguing with them anymore especially when my parents health aren't getting better each day..

aniway earlier on darling told me that the love she had for me is decreasing.. by right i should be happy right? since im complainin so much to myself about how shes behaving and stuffs.. but yet i wasnt really happy.. was upset instead.. haiz.. but i guess this relationship isnt going on very smoothly and happy either.. so i guess its just a matter of time when the string of fate snaps.. maybe we could choose a better outcome for both of us..

haiz.. i dun know.. aniway i just realised that wkrz91.3 changed their songs genre.. becos my sister was telling me how come their songs became so slow and oldies.. then i went to check their website and found that it was changed.. so was the dj's.. looks like they had a change of boss and they obviously have a problem with eurodances and fast music.. grrr.. so sad.. so i guess no more eurodance stations anymore?.. sighs.. people always like to judge eurodance lovers as "ah bengs!" so some people prolly will be very happy that wkrz91.3 changed their songs.. but i feel this kind of stereotyping really is immature.. not all eurodance/techno lovers are "ah bengs" and not to mention that some of the real "ah bengs" also upgraded to RnB's as well..

- i hate cold blooded girls *
9:57 PM

after some days of peace.. we quarrelled again just awhile ago.. its so screwed up can.. she come and argue with me about alot of things.. and some being in the past matters.. it started with me turning rather dull lately due to upcomming exams and recent projects in school.. and i already told her beforehand that i'll be pretty much down lately due to these.. but just now she still come and upset me by saying that im so dead etc on the phone etc.. she said she tried to cheer me up yea.. but seriously she doesnt know how to.. and i also never blame her by saying she dont even know how to cheer me up.. one reason is becos i also not that great at cheering her up.. so no point expecting something when u urself cant even do it well.. so i also never say much.. but all i can say is if u're down and someone keep calling u dumb ass, idiot, or some other negative remarks its not going to help.. we do often joke around by calling each other names and stuffs but that only happen when we're not in a dull mood.. but she used it just now when im not so happy as a way of cheering me up.. wth?.. is that how u cheer someone?.. and keep saying oh i want huggy.. i want kiss.. is it really the right moment for such actions.. and not to mention these arent even cheering me up.. nvm..

the worst is she start to say when im down she also down.. and she started to get moody and negative as well with me.. and dig up problems to argue about.. i remember her saying this to me before.. "why im down u also down? cant u cheer me up?".. so why cant she understand things that she used to tell me.. why she got to say when im down she also down?.. im down becos of realistic reasons and if she want to be down becos im down.. then i find it unacceptable.. i also dont expect her to console me or cheer me up.. all i want is she can give me peace and space when im not in the mood.. not add on to my burden and stress.. so am i wrong?.. she also mentioned that she's also not happy etc.. but still try to be happy.. come on im a fair person.. if u want to let out your stress on work upon me im fine and able to share it with u.. becos im ur bf.. even when u're unreasonable i still will share it with u.. like the recent one whereby u get pissed off by some kids banging upon u.. i still did my part..

and i hated it when she say i still contacting shihui.. which i already stop for a very long time.. i admit that i do contact her last time when i quarrel with my gf.. but whenever i do i will still admit that i did after that.. and i never lied to her about me contacting her.. aniway i contact her is becos shes my god-sister afterall.. and shes the only one i can talk to.. but i only talk to her about my problems and always talk through sms mostly.. its very seldom that i actually call her to talk about it.. but just now my gf still bring up and that i got contact her etc.. and she finally admit today that she does check on my hp when im not around.. but well i knew it all along.. and not only does she check on hp.. other stuff too and i know about them.. actually i hate this alot.. but i also never really go confront her and ask her to stop doing it.. what i hate is it makes me feel as if im having an affair outside or doing things unfaithful to my gf.. which is so not true k!..

i've already stop contacting everyone and shes still suspect me.. what the hack she want me to do!!?.. and when i get so fustrated just now becos im innocent she say im guilty thats why im so agitated.. it really make me so angry and upset.. it seems like i've been doing unnessary stuffs all the while.. restricting myself etc is all one sided i guess.. why should i restrict myself in the first place?.. sometimes it really makes me wonder.. since watever i does she also dont appreciate.. so why not i just be myself and if she dont like it then its her problem lor.. she really want to wait till i become like that then she will understand wat i've changed for her?..

haiz.. my life is just me and her.. other then that afew guys friend in school.. but also hi-bye friends.. never even meet up or watsoever.. when i've got problem.. i also got no one to talk to now.. telling my gf sometimes only makes things worst.. she will either blame me for the cause of the problem or she tries to console me.. and when it doesnt work she will get angry or irritated.. thats why its impossible for me to let her know what im thinking sometimes.. cos it only make me feel worst.. on the other hand.. i never expect the same from her.. i give her all the space she need until she feel that i cant be bothered about her.. and feel insecured etc.. but come on! u like to feel insecured or u like to feel totally restricted and tied up.. dont tell me crap like u want freedom + love k!.. cos in life nothing is so perfect!.. and things dont live up to ur expectations most of the time.. u can go complain to all ur friends how bad i am or watever when we quarrel but look at me.. who the hell can i talk to? yea my dog i guess...

aniway i know her friends had been saying that im shitty or watever.. but please.. Dont comment if u dont know whats going on!.. unless u can promise that u will do exactly the same thing u THINK when u're in the same situation!.. but i also cant be bothered.. u all can say that im shitty, unreasonable, or actions prove louder then words etc!.. i dont know wat she complained to her friends and i also not interested.. becos its her freedom.. all i can say is i know what i've been doing and i've tried my best.. and most importantly i've never cheated on her nor did i took this relationship for granted.. how her friends want to think is their personal freewill.. i wont be mad at them for saying nasty stuffs on my back.. all i can say is.. make sure u're able to do the same thing u're saying/thinking when u're in the same situation yourself..

- i hate cold blooded girls *
11:04 PM

just now on the phone darling told me she and yun ok le.. lolx..

im glad that darling and yun is back to normal and that the big misunderstanding has been cleared.. although it took a very long time for darling to forgive her..

well although im abit surprised about her sudden change in thoughts but im happy that she finally understand wat i've been trying to explain to her long ago..

i guess working has made her grown up.. more matured now thats why shes able to differenciate right and wrong.. and know that she had made a mistake falling out with her dearest sister yun.. resulting in the lost of a precious sistership..

aniway shes so silly.. think that i will laugh at her etc.. lol.. hmm but duno why she didnt tell me earlier that she want to forgive yun.. end up its her brother that gave her the morale courage to send yun the message and apologize.. hmph.. im her bf why she nv tell me :x i want to be the one beside her and solving all her problems together..

hope next time she will share with me her problems..

yea aniway eventhough she had forgave her.. she told me she still dont expect me to communicate with yun.. cause she still dont like it.. oh well since she made the order of cos i have to follow nor.. and well i also dont want another war between her and yun to occur.. i felt bad enough on the last one..

- i hate cold blooded girls *
11:36 PM

just read my gf's blog.. been very long since i read it.. ever since we had some quarrel awhile back.. alot of thoughts running in my mind now.. sighs.. dont know wat to say either..

- i hate cold blooded girls *
8:48 PM

sians.. today i went to school at 9+am.. was late cos i didnt slept well again.. sighs as usual a sucky wednesday.. morning 3hrs of FIT.. ip address, subnets, bits, router settings.. all these just kills us.. and well those router settings that we learn are not basic home routers but advance server routers.. cisco's router that kinda.. goodness man!.. totally had no clue on what we're doing.. and the lecturer just dont want to teach us.. she say cause we never listen in class.. she teach before le.. so she just sit down there watch us struggle..

its really shitty! and every wednesday she does the same crap.. hais.. how are we going to pass this module sia.. next week is trial labtest ler.. then the week after next is the actual labtest!!.. 30% weightage!!.. my first labtest i already got 0%/20% cos i screwed it up.. haiss.. if this one also fail then i got to see FIT module again next sem!! wtf!! which means retain another semester!!? NOOO!! im sick of staying in poly!! fark!! but how to clear this module sia.. gosh!!..

and its so irritating just now in class.. farkin "friend" drag us into the water.. tmd.. he copy the work from other people then he hand up then when the lecturer kan him that he do wrong then he blame on us say we all sitting there never do the router so he cannot do also.. tmd!.. what the fark?.. thats why i hate poly people and i dont really socialise with most of them.. becos most of them are likedat.. they just want to get good grades and some of them can do all meants to achieve their goals.. even if they have to backstab u infront of the lecturer or watever.. its so sickening!..

hais aniway.. just sent some sms to darling regarding our problem.. and her reply caused my tears to roll down unknowingly.. she said..

" I do love u. till now i dun wish to break off. but staying with mii, i know u are in difficult position. one side your parents one side mii. "

hais.. im very very messed up.. i dont know why tears rolled down.. prolly becos im touched by her being understanding or becos my tears couldnt hold back anymore?.. all i know is i have never been happy since our quarrel on monday.. every second my mind isnt at peace and my heart is feeling so heavy.. i just dont know what to do.. she might think that i cant be bothered about the quarrel or i can just forget it.. but to a emotional person its impossible.. haiz..

- i hate cold blooded girls *
2:23 PM