wa.. so fast it had been 2 days since my last entry.. hais.. think i have short term memory for somethings also.. but why i cant have STM on my problems? well.. maybe as the word stated.. its a "problem".. if problem can be forgotten just likdat then it wont be called a problem.. sigh..

just came back from sch not long.. later have to go back again for 2-3pm tutorial.. how pathetic.. sigh.. today when i went for my 9am lecture.. i feel like as if its the first day i going for this class.. cause i dun remember having class at this room before.. seem so unfamiliar.. but yet i signed on the attendance sheet before.. gawd.. i was so puzzled.. my mental is really going crazy..

today surprisingly when i wake up i wasnt really so tired.. although i sleep for only 2 hours.. from 6 - 8am... but the need for sleep caught up with me around 10+am.. then i was dozing off in the lecture hall.. but i force myself to be awake by eating some cocked up sweets..

yesturday andrew smsed me asking if im going to chiong at mu.. but i wasnt confirmed at that time then i ask him to confirm with ahwei.. cos he got some plans in mind already as his jie lynnz is commin back from aust that night.. around evening he cfmed the plan and tell me to meet them outside mu at 9pm then go watch movie and go chiong mu.. i spent too much time making my hair as i cant seem to get it right.. kinda no mood.. so ended up spending more time with it.. and also had the sudden urge to put eyeliner lol.. after i got everything done.. it was already near 8:40pm.. then i was like " zzz sian.. cfm late liao " ... hais in the end i got there at around 9:15+pm if im not wrong and ahwei already bought the movie tickets.. it was ghost train at 10pm.. then i faster sms jr mei tell her that the ticket already been bought and wana tell her not to come down so early.. but ended up she kinda mad at me.. but later on she did apologize to me.. i understand how she feels.. so i also nv go argue or scold her back...

ahwei and i pei lynnz as she ate long john silver at cine.. haha.. i already ate my dinner at home and something was bothering me.. so i didnt have the mood to support long john silver which is one of my favourite fast food..

ahwei and i went to mu to get the chop at 9:50pm.. then we were wondering why andrew nv turn up.. ahwei called him then he said he thought the plan for today was cancelled.. peng.. so he didnt turn up.. we then went back to cine at 10pm..

we went in the cinema 1 and waited for 20 mins before the show started.. well overall the show was kinda freaky at the start.. but in the end.. i was like " what the hell? " kinda lame near the ending.. not really a good movie overall i would say... not really recommended..

anyway after the movie we went mu to meet jr mei and her friends.. when we went there the stage was emptied.. wow.. the happiest sight for me and ahwei lol ! but well.. we had some warm up before we went up to dance.. but well so sian.. time flies and it was 1am whereby the RnB came in.. we tried to dance RnB but end up looking kinda retarded... so we gave up like after 20mins.. and waited till 2am when the techno is back.. then we dance all the way until 3:30am then we left mu as jr mei's friend was drunk then we are worried for her to go alone with him.. but well in the end we also never help much.. as we dont really know him that well.. and his attitude was kinda bad as he was in a drunk state.. then jr mei was like screaming at him infront of us.. and i think that guy was kinda feeling paiseh bah.. so we stay out of it in the end.. maybe its better to let jr mei settle him.. after sometime jr mei tell us to go first so as usual we went for our water refreshments at 7-11.. until around 4:30am.. we took cab home.. with our stomach bloated with drinks lol !

when i got home i was kinda in a daze.. was so tired man.. and thinking of the dam morning lecture.. how i wish i dun have to attend.. hmm anyway i got myself washed up and set for bed at around 5+am then i noticed the missed calls on my phone from xandra mei and another friend... then i smsed xandra mei asking her if theres anything.. then she told me that i hang her phone.. then i was like " huh? " then i look at the time of the missed calls then i realise that they are on the same timing.. so i guess she must had clashed with my friend call thats why the phone cut off i think.. anyway we msged for awhile and i was shocked to hear that she also feeling abit of fever.. then i was kinda worried too so i rush her to sleep immediately as shes still planning to stay up till morning i think.. it was 6am at that time.. then we both went to sleep.. so many people having fever now.. shiny jie also had fever =c... wonder hows she already.. hope you people recover soon =c...

for duno wat reason i automatically woke up at around 8am.. i was stunned.. i thought i would be sleeping like a dead log until my mum yell the hell out of me out of my bed.. and i was also not feeling that tired =x.. i looked at my phone and i saw 2 missed call from xandra mei at ard 7:17am.. gawd.. i was touched.. cos before that i was telling her to give me morning call if possible at 8am as she said shes not sleeping so early.. but when i knew that she had fever i told her nevermind and i ask her faster go sleep.. and she also said ok.. but how come she can give me morning call at 7:17am ? unless she stay up until 7:17am ? .. if you tell me that she wake up at 7:17am just to give me 2 miss call i will really be very touched !!.. well maybe cos of this 2 calls she gave made me able to wake up 43mins later... well maybe you think im mad.. likedat also touched.. to you maybe its just a simple 2 missed call.. but to a emotional person its a different feeling.. but thats me.. i get touched easily.. cos i appreciate wat people do for me etc.. beside the fact that im emotional.. anyway why give the 2 calls when she can just ignore about it right? ..
at least she care and really put in effort.. sigh.. make me feel so bad.. im always a lousy kor to her.. i never really spend alot of time with her as a kor.. sigh.. but sometimes i feel that she dun really like to be with me either.. so i didnt look her up.. although i really want to care for her just like a real meimei.. but well i dun wan her to feel irritated by me either.. since she dun really like to be with me.. i just hope that she can look for me when shes not feeling good or need someone to talk to etc.. at least i show her how much i care for her.. last time i feel that she prefer girls then guys.. she rather tell her problems to her friends then me bah.. i duno why.. but there used to be a barrier between her and me last time.. hais.. but on the other hand.. maybe this barrier has already broken just that im not aware of it... i hope so.... anyway i think im thinking too much..

today's friendster horoscope forecast was kinda accurate.. i really need to be firm.. but again its easily said then done... the below part i duno wtf it means..

hais.. anyway i'll end here for now.. im tired.. i need some sleep before i go for the 2pm tutorial..

Today's Forecast

Just because you can't make up your mind doesn't mean you want someone else making the decision for you. Be firm (especially with a coworker, friend or partner) about taking your own sweet time.

The Bottom Line

Open up to someone else and expect them to return the favor. You could learn a lot.

In Detail

Ever seen a dog eat peanut butter? Pretty funny, isn't it, the way they just can't stop licking their lips -- it's like they can't quiiite get enough. You're like that about a certain someone in your life right now. Whether it's a new friendship or a new romance, you need to spend more and more time with this person, and the feeling is mutual. The sparks -- intellectual, emotional and creative -- are flying like never before.

- i hate cold blooded girls *
12:02 PM

yawns! just came back from campus not long ago.. so tired.. body aching also.. stupid bed just cannot give me a good sleep.. maybe too hard.. until now i still cant confirm whether isit the bed problem or i got insomia.. haiz..

yesturday i never go sch sia.. wake up was feeling so dead.. duno why.. totally like dying.. then i spend the whole day at home resting.. gawd.. missed 2 lectures and 1 tutorial yesturday.. piang.. then around evening i was surfing the net and was reading someones blog.. then i found out quite alot of things.. sigh.. no wonder this person warned me before she gave me her blog add.. the person shd know who she is.. dun wana name.. as its confidential..

i realise maybe she could be the one that understand me the most so far.. but also true lar as i know her so long already.. been years.. hais but duno how also.. many things inside i read le also have nothing to say.. sigh..

at night time.. jr mei called me but i was sleeping already.. hais.. ok enuff of yesturday.. basically yesturday was not a good day..

today so sian.. well was so tired again until i dun feel like going sch again hahah!.. i had a crazy dream last night!!.. i think i still remember abit.. erm got cj, zn and some others i think.. cant really remember.. but it was at bukit timah plaza.. somehow the whole plaza was haunted.. then some people decide to burn the whole place down.. then duno how cj, me, zn and some others which i forgot went into the building.. i think to rescue someone or wat.. then in the end.. when we want to escape i think it was too late.. then we all died.. then got 1 more dream was at the beach dealing with some sort of sea monster.. crazy man! keep dreaming no wonder i wake up still so tired..

in the early morning she send me a good morning message.. it was at 6:33am.. at 7:58am she said she was having fever of 38.4 degree and wana vomit.. then at 8:46am she say "don't call me le.. Bf coming le" .. i never read all the message until around 9+am when i was in school.. there was a gush of worriness for her.. but yet i was held back by the restrictions i gave myself.. anyway she said her bf going to find her already so.. well at least i know her bf will take care of her..

was doing lab assignments with my partner.. and i logged on msn.. suddenly a msn chat window poped.. a msg came korkor.. to my surprise it was xandra mei.. haha she call me korkor.. so cute and sweet lol ! seldom she will call me korkor de.. just striaght away talk to me like hello or something.. well although its just a normal korkor yet i feel it so sweet.. just feel nice.. like when u in desert no water then see a pool of water likdat lol.. some sort of warmth and sweetness.. duno why suddenly i feel likdat.. i think my emotions go haywire liao anyhow sending feeling to my heart and mind... haha.. hm talk to her quite abit and understand that shes also going through similar things like mine.. hais.. well at least i know that shes still normal.. haha!! was so worried that shes gona become a lesbian :x.. if she really became one hor cj and i will do all it takes to bring her back to the right track.. no matter wat.. haha her display pic so funny.. xin ning and her each biting a ear of a soft toy pig.. haha!

hais.. very tired liao write so much things... used alot of my memory cells.. pengs! lol.. i stop here bah still got some other things but lazy to write all le.. i'll list in point forms..

- share abit of my problem with xandra mei
- talk to shihui mei and jess on msn too
- met yunn at atrium during break
- my friend said that xandra mei has very good facial complexion

- i hate cold blooded girls *
3:53 PM

haiz.. tired again.. i think theres no time when im not tired.. maybe only when im dead.. whereby time no longer holds anymore value and meaning..

yesturday she quarrelled with me.. i never do anything.. she just feel that i keep pushing her to her boyfriend.. and she thinks that im hiding something from her which i never.. i was really at clarke quay attending my training and grouping course.. haiz.. since 1pm+ i was there until 12+am then i finally end the session..

of cus i never stay in there throughout.. i did came out for rest etc.. have some interval.. sigh.. from wat she said.. shes really very sweet.. like she said she call me not becos she want to talk about her bf etc.. but something else.. and how she went down mu just to find me and get scolded by her bf.. these are really touching.. and i must admit that i really was touched when i read about it.. but why i cant feel it when im with her? maybe restrictions has long ago blinded me..

is she my gf? friend? close friend? sis? or wat? until now i still cant confirm.. gf is impossible.. and the other roles are like just cover up.. but the fact is.. shes taken.. yes thats a fact and it will never change.. but if she still treat me so nice i really cannot controll my emotion.. and history will repeat.. i dont want the same things to happen again.. i need time to forget.. but when i do that she dun understand it.. and she was angry that im not treating her like before.. sigh.. do you think i really like doing this? although i dont like and it also hurt me.. i still have to do.. becos this is wat i must and have to do.. if i continue to be like before somethings bad will happen for sure.. i can already imagine the consequences.. sigh...

yesturday mu was so packed.. i went there after clarke quay and reach there about 1+am then i waited outside till around 1:40am + then i went in.. it was so damm crowded.. even the stage.. actually i have no mood to go chiong as i was also very tired.. but then i promised ahwei so i went in.. i pei him dance on stage although it was so crowded gawd.. but lucky later on the crowd slowly reduced.. hmm the bar top dancers were great.. got one is like having sex sia.. haha that one really make me laugh.. the gal put her legs around the guy waist then keep pumping his dick lol !.. hmm then when ahwei and i went into the gents for some refreshment from the hrs of dancing then we heard lots of yelling outside.. then when we go out then notice got some people buay song with each other.. then keep pushing around in the dance floor.. peng.. then me and ahwei went back to stage there and wait.. all the bouncers came and try to settle the problem.. then after awhile everything go back to normal.. the music and lights start rolling and we continue dancing..

we left mu.. at near 5pm.. then went to 7-11.. shiny jie was quite seh liao.. cos she drank too much beer.. sigh.. then ahwei send her home.. while i slack till 6+am with andrew and his friend.. then i went home.. when i got home.. i keep thinking about her... hais..

i really wonder how much more i can take.. so much stress pressing upon me.. its like a growing tree.. problems just keep growing and linking out in branches.. perhaps this is part of growing up.. but its just far too much for me.. i can even feel the lack of space to breathe sometimes...

family problem, girl problems, studies problems and now got a damn extra problem.. which is the clarke quay one.. gawd..! sigh....

downloading iro over night.. think im going back to play iro for fun since the advance classes are being updated on the sakray server next wednesday.. looks like alot of new things will be implemented...

Watching every motion
In my foolish lover's game
On this endless ocean
Finally lovers know no shame
Turning and returning
To some secret place inside
Watching in slow motion
As you turn around and say

Take my breath away
Take my breath away

Watching I keep waiting
Still anticipating love
Never hesitating
To become the fated ones
Turning and returning
To some secret place to hide
Watching in slow motion
As you turn to me and say

Take my breath away
Take my breath away

Through the hourglass
I saw you
In time you slipped away
When the mirror crashed
I called you
And turned to hear you say
If only for today
I am unafraid

Take my breath away
Take my breath away

Watching every motion
In this foolish lover's game
Haunted by the notion
Somewhere there's a love in flames
Turning and returning
To some secret place inside
Watching in slow motion
As you turn my way and say

Take my breath away
Take my breath away

- i hate cold blooded girls *
11:31 PM

yawns.. just came back not long.. so tired.. jr mei must be in the cinema watching movie now with another kor of hers.. she watching 11:45pm de movie.. but i duno wats the movie name.. anyway hope she enjoys it..

anyway thursday i went clubbing at music underground.. with cj, cherie and jr mei.. i reached there pretty late around 12+am due to some held back when i was with cherie at clarke quay.. sian.. reach there awhile only they started playing RnB so bobian lor.. tahan for 1hr before the techno is back.. then i started dancing.. but cj was having sudden fever then he had to go home first.. so i dance alone on stage.. but also never dance much then cherie drag me off le.. cause they want to share cab home.. so i bobian have to go back with cherie and her friends..

actually wanted to spend more time with jr mei but i think no nid already as shes already having alot of entertainment with her friends.. and she seem to be having lots of fun with them.. so yea i dun wana spoil the fun..

yawnz.. today in class was really tired.. next time really cannot chiong on thursday man.. friday very shag.. i only sleep like 3-4hrs.. then i had to wake up for lecture.. pengs man! lucky friday is alittle slackish.. only got afew lecture.. but they are enough to make me fall asleep in class..

called jr mei to wake up when i was in lecture.. cant use the dam phone so i have to call her under the desk.. keep calling her but i duno if she got pick up anot as i cannot bring the phone up and listen.. else will tio kan.. so i just keep calling.. hopefully she will wake up.. but i dun think so cos i can hear music from the speaker so it must be the voicemail.. sian.. i call her again during the 10mins break time but she kinda hung it i think.. cos ring halfway then say line engaged at the moment.. duno wat she did also.. tat was the last call i gave her.. was at around 11+am

i ever smsed her.. but she nv reply me.. i dun even noe if she wake up already anot.. but i guess she did it on purpose.. sigh never mind.. cos i already done my part.. as long she wake up its fine.. tats the primary objective wat lol.. just like playing a game.. mission objectives..

hais ok i go sleep liao lar.. tired!.. today is Saturday already so fast.. today is gonna be a long day too.. i have some events on que already.. pengs! i better go rest.. somemore tonight is clubbing night lol.. ok! tata...

- i hate cold blooded girls *
1:27 AM

hais.. tired again!.. in such a early morning tmd.. i just went to campus just now 9-10am for 1hr of pathetic lecture.. later 1pm have to go back for lecture and lab again till 4pm.. then ard 4:30pm got to meet WISP members to do the project.. holy crap man!! so bored....

hais.. just read jr mei's blog.. lol first time i see she write such a long post.. thought she dun like to write long stuffs one haha.. aniway she good sia say i cut hair liao look like ah gong.. pengs!!! piff...

hais.. trying to forget about someone.. this person should know who she is.. i feel so tormented if i dun kill off this feeling for her.. its worst then sandwiched or wat..

she said "sheep in a tiger mouth" .. i understand wat she mean.. but hais for me its hard to forget someone.. i wish i had STM like her.. who knows she will just forget me soon while i continue to drown in emotions.. sigh anyway she seem happy nowadays.. im glad to see this.. afterall wat really important is not me.. but her.. as long shes happy its okay... no point screwing everything up just to make myself happy.. i rather i be the only one suffering.. haiss..

i hate to get into a emotional state.. thats when all my emotions came in.. depression!! haiss..

she nv call me for 2 days and i was thinking about her.. maybe missing her ?.. but why ? i duno.. hais.. last night my hp rang when i was on my bed after dinner.. ard 8+pm i think.. i tot it was her.. becos it was a private number.. i picked up and it was huiting.. although a little disappointed i still chatted with her.. then around 9+pm she called.. i was kinda happy.. at first but somehow the more i talk the more depressed i felt.. maybe its cos of wat she said.. before tat i told huiting it was her on the second line then she sound abit pissed off likdat.. i duno why also.. she said go talk to her lor dun talk to me.. i was like wth? hais.. i also duno wat to do.. why must i always be caught in this kinda situation.. i tot huiting will understand.. its like a force pulling me from 2 directions.. its tearing me apart.. im going crazy!

sighs.. sad.. after awhile she had a second line so we put down the phone.. after tat i continue to lay on my bed with the dim cardboard light brightening up the room.. and listening to 91.3FM.. just nice they were having sms dedications.. i sent in a entry.. and waited but that bastard never read it out.. pifff.. sighs.. i somehow listen to the dance tracks that were being played and fell asleep.. but i woke up in the night again many times.. just cant have a good rest.. i woke up many times and the last time i woke up was around 6am.. then i faster force myself to sleep.. cos only 2 hrs left then i have to wake up..

when my mum call me up it was around 8:30am.. then i still feeling so tired.. damit man.. i was so pissed.. why i cant sleep well at night then i have to feel so sleepy and restless in the day.. why cant i just have a good rest! fuck my head.. haisss!! yea.. like wat jr mei was saying mental breakdown is good.. she still curse i faster have one.. such a evil mei i've got hais... i wish i could just die off.. or lock myself in my room and just seperate myself from the outside world.. hais..

k.. i go take a nap.. a long afternoon up ahead.. im feeling so dead man.. dun have the energy that a youth should be having.. like im a old hagged.. kaoz! irritated.. wish i could just delete everything thats bothering me just like how simple you would delete something on the desktop.. but i know tats impossible..

why is my love life so complicated?.. i tot i already swear to lock this gates that helds the love emotions.. why did it get unlocked again? why?!?!?..........

I close my eyes close the door. I won't worry anymore
I've been waiting for you every day and every night
Cut the light, let it flee. I don't wanna be afraid
I've been waiting for you
Tonight it is right, stars shine bright
I just really wanna be with you
I celebrate pray for the day
When all my wishes will be coming true

I think of you every day, I've been waiting for a call
Just the sound of your voice anytime and anyway
Dream of you since that day
When I saw you the first time at the Hardrock Cafe
Tonight it is right, stars shine bright...

I close my eyes close the door, I won't worry anymore
I've been waiting for you...

- i hate cold blooded girls *
10:42 AM

hmm.. just came back from westmall not long ago.. today is a boring day in campus.. went for 2hrs of WISP from 10am - 12pm and its sure is boring!... i really wonder wat this module can teach me.. so dumb! haiss..

in the noon.. i met kathy for awhile.. then i met cj too and had a chat with him.. about many things.. we took a scroll around westmall as we chat and i saw a shop with clothes of my taste! keke! i must go buy them soon... like them alot..

ookies i`ll stop here.. very tired! no strength to think and write down in details of wat happened today.. yawnz... i`ll add in more details maybe when i feel more energetic .. now im kinda so worn out!.. yawnzz...

- i hate cold blooded girls *
6:12 PM

yawnz.. just came back from campus.. hais.. so sian.. was blasting my techno list.. so sian.. hmm been a long while since my last entry.. and many many things happened in this period.. although its only about 1month + .. yet so many things happened..

sad.. happy.. sweet.. angry.. alot of things.. so much that i dont even noe how to write them out.. hais... duno how to write also.. >.< sighs.. think i going to have a mental breakdown soon.. i already feeling the effects recently.. so tired no matter how much i sleep.. moodless.. keep having dreams.. have difficulty sleeping.. etc etc.. just feel crap.. hais.. and now my parents saying im thinner already.. wtf man.. haiz!! i just stop here lar duno wat to say also le...

now i still wonder why
did you say good bye
you let me stand here all alone

the pain inside my heart
is tearing me apart
now i stand here on my own

now i cry myself to sleep
only you are what i need
we can make it if we try

i am no where without you
i dont know wat i should do
cause my tears will never dry
i still wonder why

i hope that you will see
how much you mean to me
dont understand why you have gone

- i hate cold blooded girls *
3:20 PM