its over 12am already.. x-mas is over.. well im feeling grateful to those that actually sent me x-mas greetings smses.. well im grateful and thankful to them for including me in their send list..

at the same time sorry to them.. cos i never reply to their smses.. sighs.. but i seriously hope they had a great time in town or wherever they celebrated at.. happy belated xmas my friends..

and right now its drizzling.. dun remember the last dec to be as wet as this years.. weathers really changing..

well its surprising tat i didnt went clubbing or go nuts in town..

well many people asked me to go clubbing etc.. sighs.. maybe i just dont have the mood for such wild actions or stuffs.. although i had some urge to dance and go crazy.. as it had been quite sometime since the last dance.. but on the other side.. something is telling me.. im not suitable to be in those kinda places.. perhaps in the first place nightlife already didnt suit me?..

aniway today i slept until 5+pm.. i had no idea why.. but i just keep thinking and dreaming.. its like u're awake but u just dun want to open ur eyes.. and thoughts just keep flashing in ur mind.. sighs aniway wokeup and i kinda got scolded.. cos i wokeup so late and missed my meals.. sighs so i ate some food.. then dad told me to prepare as we had to go sister house for dinner..

the dinner at sis house was great.. black pepper beef, chicken wings, and such.. was all cool.. actually wanted to meet zhenning since my sis house is so near his.. but found out that we dont have much time to really meet.. so nevermind i told him we shall talk next weekend..

told him abt some of my thoughts.. was hoping to hear his comments/aid.. but was pretty rush so i guess the next time we meet then we'll talk more.....

- i hate cold blooded girls *
12:05 AM

the events for today just ended with benjamin sending us home from jurong point.. im just a follower.. and infact the last time i actually organized/planned something for a group of friends etc could had been back in sec school.. i also forgotten since when and why i actually stopped organizing/planning....

aniway watched death note 2 with the guys.. although i didnt really watched death note.. i did scan thru it and i kinda noe wats its about.. so i didnt really got lost when i was watching death note 2..

its really a well organized movie.. i will say its a very good movie to watch..

but kinda sad at the end.. (to me)..

sighs.. today i 'ate' 5 sticks.. actually i wouldnt even touch it.. but my mood.. even made me almost wanted to buy..

hais...

today would had been a fine day actually.. despite of being tired.. cos i actually didnt slept much.. slept for less then 3hrs.. cos if i really sleep i know i will wake up very late..

sighs...

kinda havin headache now..

drank some beers earlier on.. maybe i shouldnt.. at least i can still control myself..

tears were shed.. why?... becos onces again i feel hurt by someone i thought i was close with.. someone whom i thought understood me and knew me.. but looks like im wrong..

been so long since i last shed infront of my sec sch guys friends.. sorry for such an awful sight.. wish u all hadnt seen it.. now thinking back.. i really feel i shouldnt had shed them.. but since its already shed.. i just got to make sure i learn from it..

i tried to change.. facing problems.. but i suck at handling problems.. i realized.. avoiding is still the best.. u know why? becos when i face them.. the problem just get worst and bigger then it was.. but avoiding problem never made me feel any better either.. just made me stress about it every moment.. so wats the diff actually....

i admit my greatest bad habit is to go missing or mia.. whenever im down.. but thats becos im already used to being lonely.. and having no one to really share my problems with since i was a kid.. and gradually it just became part of my character.. and i always thought mia will be better then showing people my sadness/unhappiness.. becos they might say ahh why u keep sulking.. why u keep frowning etc and their comments might just make me feel even worst.. so wat best is just to hide urself from their sight isnt it?.. and im not that easy to get cheered up when im actually in a low mood.. so i dun wan my friends to feel irritated/tired trying to cheer me up etc.. but even when i mia.. not many of my friends can understand... and some still blame me and hate me for it.. as if my disappearance will harm them in anyway.. sometimes being thoughtful just dont pay off... that applies for being nice as well...

sighs so much for always trying to be perfect.. wat my buddy told me last time is true.. being perfection is actually a selfish act.. isit?.. u tot u're being nice.. but on the other way round.. u might just being a total asshole or a dumbass..

onces again im reflecting on my actions..

im starting to realized something.. its so hard to change.. im not the kind of person tats really blessed with alot of friends.. and even if i do.. i know i will have a hard time.. becos i always like to give all i can to each and everyone.. but i learnt that its impossible!.. cos im not a god.. im just a human like how everyone else is.. we have our limits.. u can never please everyone around u.. thats something for sure.. so why am i so stupid to have this foolish mindset stuck in my brain like a microprocessor inside a robot?.. trying to please everyone and make them happy.. and when i fail.. i put all the blame on myself...

i wonder wats the point of being so good to people.. u can treat them like god.. and try to be there for them everytime they need someone.. but one stupid mistake.. be it ur fault or not.. can cos them to hate/dislike u and simply forget watever good point u had..

i shd just be myself.. im an introvert since the start.. i was never an outgoing, interactive person.. why wana fight against it and try to be someone outgoing and thinking as if i can be a good listener and help/care for others as if im some holy priest.. and end up suffering...

people take things in life easy.. but why am i taking things so hard.. like if i found out tat i did something wrong accidentally or unknowingly.. i will feel the guilt and keep blaming myself.. even if the problem doesnt lies with me i will still blame myself..

expecting too much from wat i can achieve?.. wat a dreamer...

enjoy life to the fullest.. but this deffinitely isnt the right way.. all the while i've just been giving myself stress and worries.. im not a living god... people around me might not even know who i am and wat i've been trying to do.. in the first place do they even understand...

its so hard to be happy.. becos to be happy u got to be selfish for sure.. having the mindset of 'pleasing myself first before others'.. and lies need to be said now and then.. those people that know me for who i am.. will noe that this 2 point i really suck with them...

i always tries my best to advise/care and help friends around me.. and when i got nice stuffs i will like to share with them as well if its something tat can be shared.. treats were never given becos i wan something in return.. sighs...

i can never lie without hesitating and feeling guilty.. tats why.. i admit i do lie when the circumstances make me left with no choice.. but its deffinitely not going to be said to cover up any selfish acts or such.. and i seriously feel guilty after it..

i wonder if my friends even realized these points in me.. or maybe to people around me.. im just like any bastard out there.. or they think im trying to be nice for any specific reasons tat benefits myself.. watever it is.. i want to say this..

understand me before u start misjudging me..

- i hate cold blooded girls *
3:14 AM

just got up from my icy bed not long ago.. the best thing about beds after rain.. haha.. dun need aircon at all..

aniway.. slept at ard 7am i think.. sighs.. suppose to go sch today then i remember ling saying its holiday today.. hmm so i guess TSO Mr Kou wont be in school today.. and if he's not.. i couldnt get my fuse holder to continue soldering.. sighs..

bahss.. maybe later i'll drop by and take a look..

aniway im feeling dead as usual.. basically if u ask me to go far places now.. i will dun wana go.. sighs.. tonite tiffany is holding her birthday party.. and well all my sec school friends have duty or stuffs tonite so cant really go.. but lucky benjamin is free so he went with me..

but aniway the party is held at her house.. which is near my house.. 30mins walking distance only haha.. so its ok lar.. but later will be seeing alot of unfamiliar faces.. cos shes invited all her school friends.. and the only mhss friends tat are going are me and benjamin.. dots...

so maybe benjamin and i will be like strangers to everyone else there.. lol watever..

sighs.... there seem to be a couple big rocks in my heart that i just couldnt let go.. and its really making me unhappy all these while..

how should i solve these problem in my heart...?

sighs...

- i hate cold blooded girls *
3:12 PM

sighs.. moood isnt great today.. becos?.. buddy.. i got scolded again.. sighs.. i duno though if i deserve it anot...

- i hate cold blooded girls *
7:40 PM

I love their hip hop dance routines! but too bad think my bones are too old for it :(

- i hate cold blooded girls *
6:30 PM

its a windy and cooling night after a day of drizzling and heavy downpour..

feeling sad with a million thoughts..

hoping that i could cry out my sorrows now but the usual filled amazon river seems insufficient to overflow the river bank..

wat more could i do but try to note down my emotions now since i cant express them..

as usual..

a sleepless night.. or shd i say.. i dun feel like sleeping right now..

sighs..

thinkin about the future.. i wonder..

wat would my fate be.. how and wat would i be 10 years from now.. when im in my 30's.. would i be married by then?.. how would my health be by then?.. i seriously dont know.. but if i continue to abuse and not taking care of myself.. i guess my health would be on the downfall by then..

sighs.. how would i leave this world.. peaceful or in the hospital gasping for my last breathe.. i wonder..

some people might think.. im thinking too far ahead.. but look.. time is racing against us without mercy.. it seems just like yesturday when its the start of 2006.. and now we're already reaching the end of 2006.. soon we will have to start writting 2007 on our paperwork.. and its so shocking that if u look back u will realized that time is passing so fast and we're aging fast as well.. before u knew.. u're already out of ur late teens entering the adult life.. and u'll start envying other teens hanging around town thinking tat its almost like yesturday when u're enjoying youth just like how they were.. but the fact is we dont look like them anymore.. we had already aged with time..

nowadays we have this mindset.. fate had it all planned out for us.. isit true that our future and fate had already been planned like a character in a story book.. maybe not.. becos we can just end our life anytime we want.. or perhaps we're just writtin our fate and future each living day.. like a empty book having its content's filled up as days passes..

although i had decided to be a decent healthy being before.. living life to the fullest.. but i just cant help it sometimes.. wasting my life away in a twitch sec.. its true that the distance between the angel and devil is just a thin line away..

before u could even hesitate or wonder.. u're already crossing the border without knowing..

still i will try my best to stand firm and be wat i'm.. becos i know it hurts people around me if they see i had actually changed..

when i see people i care/love/close to me.. changing one after another.. i wondered.. since everyone is changing.. why dont i play along and changes as well.. but theres many reasons pulling me back.. so much tat i cant even explain..

i must say that the feeling of seeing people u really care/love changing into wat they arent.. really dont feel good at all.. from innocents being into individuals tat arent innocent/decent anymore and such really hurts.. we will always miss the good old side of them.. but yet we can only feel so helpless and respect, support them for wat they're now.. becos if they're happy being this way.. wat reasons/rights do u have in stopping them?..

sighs..................

wat worst if u have to see and watch people close to u.. slowly fade away each living day due to certain illness until the day they leave u totally with nothing but memories.. yet u could do totally nothing to prevent the worst from happening..

i got to thank chui yee for lending me this book..

"Tuesdays with Morrie"

its real meaningful.. sighs..

the following quotes were taken from the book and it made so much sense to me.. but i still feel so clueless upon wat i shd do..

One afternoon, i am complaining about the confusion of my age, what is expected of me versus what i want for myself.

"Have i told you about the tension of opposites?" he says.
The tension of opposites?
"Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted.

"A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle."

...

"So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy doing things they think are important. This is because they're chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning."

sighs.. i'll end here..

bye.. and stay healthy people..

- i hate cold blooded girls *
3:31 AM

sighs now in class just finished my labtest now waiting for my friend to finish his.. sigh.. today im so blur again wth.. duno wats wrong with me.. i actually tried to open the door by pushing when its supposed to be pulled.. and not to mention that i've been opening that kinda door ever since i've been in poly.. then my friend was laughing at me lol.. pengs..

sighs.. i've been so blur and clumsy lately.. gawd..

sad.. wats wrong with me.. my face does look so lifeless.. hw come everytime when i sink into a depressed state it takes so long for me to get out of it..

oh yeah and btw i had been leaving my msn on for these days.. and actually didnt got much mood to chat so been afking.. sorry my friends..

sigh.. earlier i did went on msn.. and Thiamkhee happen to talk to me and mentioned to me about his views about being depressed and such.. did made a lot of sense as well.. but i realized something.. advise from people only can comfort u and make u feel better but it wont make u change any facts or so..

one good thing about it.. it allow the person to reflect and think.. but at the same time it might causes confusion and dilemma between wats right/wrong and wat he shd do/not do..

not sure if everyone will be likedat.. but it applies to myself.. sighs..

i've not posted the drafts.. but when i do.. people will know that i've been trying to change..

sighs... theres alot of reason why im hesitating and stuck.. but this is the 2 main reason..

1) being a bastard or a asshole is not myself.. those that know me will know wat kind of person i am..

2) not everyone around deserve to be treated nasty.. wat happen if i really became a bad person.. its not fair to them..

.....
......

i do agree with wat -.- said.. and thats also something i used to tell other pple.. but nowadays i start to wonder.. is that a valid reason to be a bad person?.. i've been scolded by some of my friends.. saying that changing myself just becos of wat i've face is the way of a loser.. they said.. im supposed to learn and be stronger after each bad encounter not loosing myself, falling deeper and changing myself into someone im not.. sighs... im really lost...

- i hate cold blooded girls *
2:14 PM

time to change song..

this song was recommended to me by my one and only buddy emily..

she asked me to listen to the lyrics.. and when i did.. my tears almost dropped.. its really sad.. and meaningful.. you all listen and tell me if its nice..

its really an emotional song and i can really feel the kinda sadness from the lyrics.. if u listen it carefully and put urself into the song u might be able to feel it..

ever felt the feeling of loosing or going to lose someone u love/care?.. wat happen if one day they're gone...

the song just feel so real when i imagine myself and buddy in the situation.. thought the lyrics dont match our situation 100% but still the feeling is there... arghs.. so sad..

emo emo!
emo emo emo!!
emo emo emo emo!!!
emo emo emo emo emo!!!!

pray that things will get better for buddy... sighss cant write too much details out cos its her private things its not nice to write out.. sigh.. sob.. hate the way how fate had planned her life.. why cant give her a better life.. sighs.. =(

sighs actuall i wont be surprised that some pple will feel nothing when they listen to meaningful and emotional songs.. becos nowadays people are more and more hard hearted, selfish and emotionless.. sighs.. its really sad..

btw i do still blog but just that i haven publish them out yet.. they're still in drafts.. will update them all soon..

takecare people...

- i hate cold blooded girls *
6:46 PM

sighs.. today's CSA paper is really retarded.. and well i totally got no mood to revise for it.. today i slept until afternoon.. gawd.. then i didnt bother to dress up well or anything.. just went school for test with a messy look hahas.. i really look crappy..

why im so sure i will screw up the paper? haha cos i basically writting nonsense on the answer sheet... dont believe? haha i give an example..

Explain, from your understanding of the technology used, why DRAM is slower then SRAM.

my ans: It takes more time to process <-- HAHA retarded answer rite?.. but i really duno so i was writtin rubbish and stuffs thru out..

sighs just got to work hard for my retest.. but sadly its also capped at 50% only.. so even i get high grades also i get 50%.. better then fail aniway.. bahss..

im really tired.. its like mentally exhausted.. the kind of feeling where by u just wish to sleep thru-out and do nothing.. dun have energy and motivation to do anymore thing.. and just keep feeling as if u haven been sleeping for days..

yesturday night dreamt again.. and keep waking up.. sighs.. and if im not wrong i dreamt of buddy.. something bad happened.. sighs.. really sadd... sighsss... why fate has to be so cruel and evil towards nice people!?.. i really dun understand.. guess life really just isnt fair or balanced...

so tired! sighs.. my mind really tired.. i need a LONG enjoyable and relaxing break real soon!.. but how to get this kinda break?.. and not to mention i still have to go back school to finish up my project task as its due after the term break.. in about 2weeks..

sighss.. i went to weight myself and its true that i've lost weight during these short period.. about 5kg+ gone.. used to be near 80kg.. now im 73kg.. sighs... looks like slimming down is a very easy task for me.. looking at my recent pic i really look much more weaker and also "qiao qiu" like wat buddy said..

sighs.... give me a break.... so tired tat i'm starting to feel tat i dun have energy to sms / pickup calls soon..

bless me...

- i hate cold blooded girls *
6:25 PM

just got back home for awhile..

today's INT common test paper is really crappy.. think im gona flung.. hmm cos nv studied well enuff.. sighs the previous night i wanted to revise for it.. but end up sleeping lol!.. before 12am im already in dreamland.. but worst thing is when i wokeup i still feel so tired.. arghs..

when can i ever start to sleep well again?.. sighx.. problem with getting a good sleep is really starting to annoy me.. sighs..

well after common test i on my hp as i offed it.. and i saw buddy's sms tell me to call her when i saw the sms.. so i called her.. and she was asking me which is the nearest mrt station.. so well i said clementi cos its nearest to NP..

hmm asked alvin how to go clementi from NP's bus stop.. hahahas cos i nv really take bus to there before.. well actualli i did before in the past.. but i forgotten.. aniway he told me to take 184 so i took it..

well the path 184 took was rather long.. wow.. took like 20+mins to get to clementi mrt from NP.. it was the first time i took 184 to clementi also i think.. so i look rather retarded... aniway at NP's bus stop i saw michelle.. if im not wrong.. but that girl had bracers on.. nt sure if its really michelle..

well when i reached clementi it was 6:20+pm.. so well i walked to the mac there.. and well saw zhenning's maria outside the bubble tea shop bside mac.. wow.. but aniway she dont know me already la.. been years!.. lol..

aniway buddy was in toilet so i waited for her in mac.. after tat she came and i got green tea for her and we slacked abit.. but the atmosphere in that mac really sucks.. cos its crowded and worst its very noisy.. so we decided to go somewhere else.. oh ya and buddy got me a wrist band thingy.. something like friendship band.. lol.. quite cool but sadly we dont know how to put it on! hahaas..

we actualli decided to go westmall to chill.. but well took mrt till jurong east and we're like lost.. in the end took 66 from the interchange back to my house area there to slack lols! cos she want an open area place so she can smoke.. so i guess the coffee shop near my place is the best solution..

well the journey took awhile.. and she let me listen to her mp3 while she continued folding stars.. which i knew its for me.. :( kinda feel a awkward feeling to see people doing things infront of u thats meant to be given to u.. but its sweet..

buddy treated me dinner as she says tat i always pay for her lol! we shared a plate of bee hoon when silly buddy only ate like a small bowl of it.. awwhh..

after tat buddy continued to fold stars for me.. she said its lucky stars.. and well suppose to wish me luck for my exams.. silly her.. in the end still wrote a card and some notes for me.. she even decorate the card by burning it with her lighter.. =(

...
....skipped
.....
......

aniway later on buddy went over to my park and we slacked there.. and she told me abt her problems etc.. sighs *patpat*.. before that she was playing swing happily.. and i enjoyed looking at her swinging.. shes really very cheerful despite of all the hardship she went thru and also still going thru.. i really admire her for her determination and never say die attitude.. wonder if i can be as strong as her..

aniway after awhile we left.. she took cab on the street near the park and silly her still sent me back to my house.. worrying tat i've to walk back alone.. aww..

sighs..

might be missing out some other details but im kinda tired to continue.. and well i know i haven been blogging for the past days as well.. gonna catch up on the missing entries soon.. eww.. but first i got to deal with today's 14th Dec 06 CSA common test paper..

good luck to myself!

will blog more soon..

- i hate cold blooded girls *
12:03 AM

i did it!.. finally after so many months of saying and thinking i wana delete all my smses i finally deleted all my sms yesturday.. infront of my sec sch friends.. wow guess wat.. total of 2489 sms.. took quite sometime to delete..

indeed i felt much better.. although theres still memories left in my mind...

but well without all these 'real' memories.. those virtual memories in my mind will soon be blurred and forgottened..

- i hate cold blooded girls *
3:41 PM

well i've decided..

forget my past!.. and first i'll start will deleting my HP with all the smses which contain memories ever since April 2005!.. thats going to make my HP less "laggy" and help me move on with my life...

wat for keep those unhealthy past in my HP.. every message from my ex is still in there haunting me and also many other memories.. i really should just let everything off.. i always say but i cant bare to let go.. now its time to do some action..

my dearest sec school friends will be comin my house to party! or shd i say gathering! hee.. cos sheena's back in Singapore yesturday for her holidays.. so well its kinda a meet up and also chill out session..

later i will do the grand deleting of over 2k - 3k+ SMSes infront of everyone!..

hahahas... funny rite.. im just really determined to lead a healthier life...

- i hate cold blooded girls *
8:13 PM

just read yukuang's blog.. wow first time hahas.. sighx.. the sentence 'live life to the fullest' really struck my mind when i saw it on her blog..

sighs... wat have i been doing all these while.. getting myself into such a mess and loosing myself thru out all these years just becos of a word called "LOVE" .. for wat right.. seriously i start to wonder why i yearn for love so much.. is it becos i grown up in a environment thats lack of love or isit just plainly becos im an emotional individual that seek for emotions?..

my vision is really blur... but its really time i wake up!.. sighs.. 2 weeks + never been out to town or club.. i start to feel more "healthy".. last night was doing alot of thinking before i fell asleep.. i also tot of the "liver" thingy.. whereby too much alcohol will make ur liver harden and stop functioning.. starting to worry about my liver.. wonder how it is now after all the previous months of hard drinking..

sighs.. and although im a social smoker for the past while i also start worrying about my lungs status.. read many articles about lungs cancers and stuff on the net.. and well they say even if u smoke less it doesnt reduce ur rate of getting lung cancer.. so social smoker actually has the same rate as passive smoker in getting lung cancer and other illness.. sighs really wtf..

sighss....

its funny to think back.. how anti smoking i used to be.. and well its surprising that i already tried smoking.. hahas.. alot people ask me why i smoke.. becos they know im not a smoker type.. im sick of explaining to everyone so i will say it here..

after my ex broke up with me.. my self esteem was really low.. so low that i can do anything without much thoughts.. u know u can actually lose urself and become someone different when ur self esteem is at the lowest.. even having the courage to kill urself.. sighs.. at that point of time im offered to smoke.. so i did it.. my mentally at tat point was almost like trying to do anything to make myself feel better off and numb to the pain im feeling.. sighs...

like people said.. heart injuries are the most fatal and dangerous...

sighs when we're young we tend to do all sort of stuffs neglecting our health and things around us.. but when we grow old.. all these things that we had done to ourselves will start haunting us down.. cancers/illness will start torturing u.. sighs.. sometimes we really got to look far and think far and not just the present.. sighss.. life is short.. really got to make use of it..

- i hate cold blooded girls *
10:18 AM

sighs.. just read meow's blog.. btw im in project room now.. hahas.. not doing anything but just listening to my list of dance track on winamp.. and doing some indept thoughts..

meow's blog really made me did some indept reflections.. and im surprised that i've been blinded before.. doing stupid mistakes without knowing them too.. sometimes in life we just dont know wat we've done wrong becos at that point of time we're blinded by wats infront of us.. but when the blindness is cleared.. u will realize that actually u had missed out alot of details and mistakes in life..

sometimes reading thru another emotional virgo blog can really make u feel so enlightened.. becos of all the true emotions involved when writin those posts..

sighs aniway meow i duno if u still see my blog.. but i hope u will be strong like how u've always been.. although maybe u're just acting strong like wat most virgo does including myself.. hiding our soft fragile side..

aniway its good to know that u've moved on in ur love life.. and the courage that u had in ur love life really impressed me.. and yeah i did thought of flirting before.. Yuriko told me before that virgo's like to flirt alot but when they devote they can be seriously devoted.. now it feels so true..

looking at my love life and the amount of females friends i had and actually talk/go out with.. its really pathetic.. its unusual and unhealthy.. i only had 2 serious r/s.. sighs no use digging up the past aniway..

aniway looking at my serious r/s its pathetic enuff.. i like to change this fact.. and changing the way i treat my love life..

first.. i need to find back my confidence that i use to have in mhss.. thick skinned.. more attitude and character like how i use to be long ago..

wat will i become?
..
...
....

its a mystery that only time will show...

- i hate cold blooded girls *
11:49 AM

well been slackin infront of my pc for the past hours..

thinking..
thinking...
thinking....
thinking.....
thinking......
thinking.......

sighs.. aniway this weekend is wasted haha.. i basically just slept thru a saturday night.. after i got home from work i laid on my bed and fall asleep until this morning.. about 10+am.. lol..

but still i didnt got a good sleep despite of the 16hrs+ of sleep.. still i kept dreaming.. sighx..

- i hate cold blooded girls *
1:24 PM