after these few days of mia.. im starting to understand some facts and wat i shd be doing.. mm.. think this time i really might be changing my characteristic.. but well im not sure if i would succeed.. becos i've failed trying before.. oh well.. but i know if i change.. i would maybe be a happier guy.. but its just a "maybe".. till i've proven it..

aniway.. thanks for all the advises u all had given me on the tag board.. although among there i felt some sacastic remarks from xiaofeng but well i try to understand wat she might be feeling.. perhaps shes too stress with her 3 jobs and looking at my pathetic blog its kinda normal that she might over react or flare up.. i must admit i was really pissed off at that moment upon reading wat she typed.. but oh well now thinking back.. i wont wana take it to heart.. as it wont do any good to anyone.. i'll just treat it as nothing.. aniway sorry too for saying some harsh remarks back to u.. hope u can forgive me.. i just hope u understand wat i am going thru at that period of time..

i've been thinking of alot of things now.. on how to improve my life.. and well this painful experience selene had given me will make me remember even clearer on how painful and deadly heart injuries can be.. i'll take it as another lesson learnt.. and next time i will try my best to make sure that i wont fall for another girl that will break my heart again..

i've also decided to kill off the feelings i had for her.. i dont know how to murder "love" but anyhow i must try my best to do so.. becos she had already showed me her answer which i've been waiting for all the while.. so well since her decision had been made.. i also have to make my decision now.. which is to give up totally and slap myself out of this dream.. "Wakeup Yc!" dont dream anymore!.. ur just a toad wishing for a angel to fall on you.. hahahaha.. funny man.. i have to wake up from my stupid day dreams seriously lols.. oh well i know that no matter how much i forget.. theres still gona be a bit of the love remaining in my heart.. but i'll just bury it up with all the other hurts i've gotten in my life.. in the "hurt's cemetry" lol... oh well at least im laughing now.. no more sorrows and sadness dude! xD..

but life's weird.. sometimes the best girl might be just infront of u.. but u just wont fall in love with her yet u would fall in love with those that will split u apart.. oh well maybe i can blame it on my inexperiences in relationships.. i will try to learn more about it.. everyone gain knowledge thru sufferings.. as the sentence "no pain no gain" come about..

i guess i will resume my clubbing life becos its the only time i can relax and meet up with my clubbing friends.. eventhough i know i would still see selene.. and im sure she and eric will be dancing happily together.. although we always say as long as the other party is happy we would be.. but actually we're just lying about it.. yea people might say we're stupid.. giving away wat we want so easily and not even fighting for it.. but oh well.. like wat pple said.. "if shes meant to be urs.. no matter wat she would be".. fighting for it might only bring misery to all the parties involved and make things worst.. i also realized that jeolousy cant be avoided.. and everyone is born with it.. i guess im wrong shihui mei.. to always say that ur so jeolous and over reacted.. but i believe that jeolousy has different stages.. slight to extreme.. i think im more of between slight to medium.. i can be jeoloused.. but most of the time i just hide it in my heart.. but if people understand me.. they can read it out from my face..

i guess those that know me must have been shocked by all my post recently.. becos on the outside im always smiling.. gentle.. semi quiet.. person.. and laugh like a retarded at times.. but even i myself also feel that in my blog.. im a different person.. it seems that i became a mad vulgaric looser here.. oh well becos i released most of my feelings and thoughts which i dont in reality.. and if i dun have this blog to write it out perhaps i would had gone crazy as i duno how to express myself..

im sorry people that i've made u all worried.. i hope that history wont repeat again.. and thanks again for spending ur precious moments to read thru my boring post..

aniway now i just wana think of my pretty coolie lvl92 Monk Kyozuke. !! =D.. so smexy, kawaii and deadly.. hees.. his my best friend.. always there for me when i need him hahaha.. /meh.. kekeke.. Raina if ur reading this.. pls help me get to 99!!.. i want a Champion!!.. :p.. and u must change into a sexy High priestess too (^.^)-v .. lalala.. and btw thanks again raina for always helping me to vend off my stuffs.. thankkieess ^^x.. /mehhh....

<3 RagnarokOnline.. <3 Valiance of Figaro.. thanks people for all the fun u all given me in game to help me forget about my worries.. <3 u Raina for always being there for me in game... <3 uuu.. muack!..

- i hate cold blooded girls *
9:18 PM

sighs.. just got back from campus.. today i duno why i was so tired.. i slept until 9:50am.. until my mum's series of yelling woke me up.. i was dreaming i remembered.. but now i forgotten wat it was about.. at that point of time i really wish i can continue to sleep and dream on.. but oh well i had no choice but got to attend my FCS practical lab.. sighs...

well im surprised to see that i got big eye bags.. bah.. must be the lack of sleep.. aniway i hurried changed.. brushed.. washed.. and ran to school without having breakfast and with my hair un-waxed.. only wet it with water.. -.-".. fck like a retard.. by the time i got school was already around 10:10am.. bahhs.. everyone was in there and starting on the lab work.. then i went and sit with melvin and started the pair work with him..

then my lab lecturer.. also the module leader.. she ask how i find the FCS common test paper.. oh well i was speechless.. cause i noe i didnt really studied hard enuff for it.. sighs.. then i also duno wat to say.. sigh but she noe i nv study i guess.. sighs.. then her look already tell me i failed.. haha.. expected when i sat for the paper.. sighs.. then she say why i late etc.. sigh bah she still ok lor she didnt really scold just say nicely to me.. but oh well i kinda paiseh cos in that class all of my classmates are pro and all aim for A's one.. im the only slacker in there bah.. sighs..

aniway we did 2 labs today cos the lecturer going on training next week.. so no lab next week and we have to do next week's lab in this week as well.. sighs.. but with melvin's help we managed to get it done at around 11:45am..

hais.. so now im back.. still feeling so lost and miserable.. actually last night i also didnt sleep so early.. i slept at around 3am.. cos i cant get to sleep.. keep thinking of her.. but when she called me.. i duno why i dun dare to pick up.. sighs.. she called me at ard 9:26pm.. and got her gdnight sms at 2:02am.. sigh although i really miss her and wana talk to her.. but yet deep inside me i dun feel like answering it.. anyone know why?.. i dont know.. i just know that if i answer it.. i might feel even more pain then i already feeling.. sighs.. i really cannot stand it.. well i guess u guys reading this also confused.. why i suddenly became likedat?.. oh well cos i have yet to write wat happen last week.. maybe when i write out my feelings last week.. u all would have a better understanding about my feelings now..

sighs.. wat am i doing?.. just couldnt stop thinking of her.. its like shes everything now.. i wana erase it also cant.. wtf!!.. arhhz.. im feeling so so miserable.. bahhs!!.. everything is putting a weight on me.. the kind of feeling i feel is so undescribable..

sighs.. love could brings a person everlasting happiness but it also can bring everlasting hurt and pain.. i just wonder why fate is always playing on me.. since the first day i fall in love.. i've been so stuck up.. wheres the problem?.. i've always wanted to be a perfect guy in anyway i can to everyone.. but i seem to always fail in it.. friends dont cherish me.. nor any girls i love actually accepted me.. oh fuck my life.. its so miserable..!! why isit that only hypocrites and bad guys always get the best out of life while those better off people gets all the shit and pain of life.. do i really have to force myself to change into a total jerk bastard asshole to make my life better?!.. dammit!!... when can i actually be happy and blog something nice saying oh i am so fucking happy and i've got the greatest blessing of my life.. fuck it..

although people always say.. our life is being controlled by ourself and not by fate.. but i feel that no matter how i tried to change my life.. its still the same.. hurts and misery just keep coming one after another.. and the more i try the more hurts i seem to get.. sighz.. im really sick of it.. i'll write more about my feelings soon.. sighs im mentally exhausted to carry on with it.. bye...

- i hate cold blooded girls *
12:27 PM

sighs.. badly hurted onces again.. im feeling so fuckup.. kinda nt in a good mood.. sighs.. i'll update when i got the mood.. 2morrow sch open and oh well back to weekly routine.. facing cb lecturers and hypocrite classmates.. disgusted.. sigh..

just when i was about to recover.. things got worst.. made me sink deeper into sadness and depression.. feeling totally pathetic and a big big fool!.. wtf am i doing?.. i seriously duno.. im lost and confused.. why?.. fuck me.... bye.. !

Ps: to my friends.. sorry till i feel better.. i wont be answering any calls / sms.. let me relax and be alone for awhile pls.. thanks you..

- i hate cold blooded girls *
11:29 PM

fcking shit.. just got into my house.. dam sister locked the door again!.. kns made me have to climb into the house again.. fuck sia.. damit!..

- i hate cold blooded girls *
8:53 AM

Friendster Horoscope for January 4, 2006

The Bottom Line

Everything may be changing soon -- be flexible and you'll survive any aftershocks.

In Detail

That restless feeling you've had lately is a dead giveaway that it's time to do something new. If you haven't made any plans yet, don't wait a second longer. A far off place is calling your name, and you can't keep ignoring it. You're so very due for a change of scenery and a break in the action. Why keep resisting it? Whether it's the pyramids, the jungle or the beaches of Florida that are calling your name, answer.

- i hate cold blooded girls *
2:49 PM

just now woke up by selene's call at around 5pm.. then after tat went to cook instant noodles to eat.. hais.. finally now stomach feel better liao.. phew..

haiz.. sian man.. tomorrow start of my common test papers liao.. sighz.. wed, thur, fri.. bahhz.. then next week back to poly life.. faintz.. super sian nor.. arghz.. then i guess the lecturers gona rush thru the topics liao.. cos exams also reaching soon..

haiz.. sian sian.. kks.. now i try to sit down and study le.. else i really going fail very badly for this common test :x.. sighx.. laters..

- i hate cold blooded girls *
7:07 PM

gawd.. just got up of bed and ate my breakfast + lunch.. shit man my life is messed up.. always eat at the wrong time.. diee..

hais.. last night also nothing much.. after filling up my past entries.. i wanted to sleep but cant sleep so end up going to the fridge and ate alot of junk.. then later went back to my bed... then about 1+am.. i called xiaofeng.. and well i told her i felt about her.. guess i should at least let her know how i feel after so long.. its only fair to her to let her know..

well.. i know her for about 6mths+ liao.. since june.. she had given me much memories in clubbing.. and still remember last time she was really crazy de.. keep on screaming in mu.. lol but now she seldom liao.. like from wild became tamed.. sighx.. still remember she was really active last time.. runnin around in mu.. got nice music then she come up stage dance with us.. lol.. was really funny.. aniway.. i really didnt know since when she started to have feelings for me.. i only know that for duno wat reason everyone started to ji siao her and me.. although sometimes i can feel that she like treat me very well.. but well i tot shes just treating me as a close friend.. becos sometimes i see she treat other people the same too.. haiz.. but well somewhere recent i read her blog then i know about many stuffs.. sighx.. actually i also duno wat i treat her as.. sometimes i treat her just like a close friend likedat.. then we always play around.. i ji siao her and she beat me.. tat kinda stuffs.. lol.. hm.. but sometimes i got really nice feeling with her while sometimes i feel weird weird too.. i also dunno why.. sighz.. although i guess after knowing her so long.. i've got some feelings towards her.. but the feeling is not strong enuff yet.. sigh.. duno if the feeling would evolve into love.. but only till the day when i really know i love her then i will love her.. cos i only go stead with a girl if i really love her.. else i wont try.. becos trying to love someone when the love isnt there wont result in anything good.. sighs.. but well i hope she understands now.. after i've told her about my feelings on the phone..

sighs aniway we chatted till about 3am.. then she went to sleep as she need to wake up at 6:30am for work.. then i also feeling kinda tired and went to sleep.. just when i was about to fall asleep.. my hp *ding dong* and i got up and check the sms.. to my surprise it was selene.. well i tot she dun wan to talk to me liao.. cos she haven call me at all today and only send me a gd night sms at ard 12am.. so well i replied her.. then for some reason i felt that she might be feeling lonely and bored.. so well i called her... but she cancelled it and used her room phone to call me.. then we chatted while she do her blog.. so i just try my best to keep her accompany although i was pretty tired.. then after awhile she told me that eric indirectly says she's fat.. and shes angry.. lol.. aiyo.. haiz.. she and eric always likedat haiz.. duno wat to say also.. i just hope eric can treat her better.. so she can achieve her wish before her birthday and be happy.. haiz.. aniway i also cant do much.. eric's the only one that can give her real happiness i guess.. as for me i can only give her advise, suggestions, accompany her and be there supporting her when she needs somone.. sighz cos im not her bf or wat also.. aniway time flies.. i accompany her until she finished making her new blogskin.. wow.. it was 6am+ lor.. goodness.. but well i went to saw her new blogskin and it was nice.. so keep it up selene =).. u didnt waste ur night away.. aniway i ask her to go sleep as she had school at 1pm later on.. then she say ok.. then we both put down the phone liao..

then after tat i called xiaofeng cos earlier i promise her i will give her morning call at 6:30am.. im surprised that she can wake up sia.. when i call her she woke up liao.. then i went to sleep le.. kns then duno since wat time.. i suddenly got stomachach lor.. fucking pain!!.. i roll around on the bed cant get to sleep sia.. fuckk.. then duno why today got so many cb crows outside at duno which fucking rooftop keep screaming.. make it worst for me lor!.. pain + noise.. cant freaking sleep!.. arghhx.. wtf sia.. although i got sleep abit abit but cannot sleep well nor cos the pain is killing me.. then even now the pain is still there while i bear with it to write my entry.. sighx..

aniway yesturday actually i wanted to forget about selene.. i wanted to kill off the feeling for her.. but in the end it only made me feel more for her and miss her even more.. its so hard to forget.. sighz..

gawd.. i go rest liao.. bth.. fck my stomachach.. duno wats wrong... byee..

- i hate cold blooded girls *
12:33 PM

bahh.. just came back from steam boat with my family.. wow.. dam fulled.. ><.. i woke up pretty late.. at around 12pm.. then im asked to changed and go out for steam boat for lunch.. bahhs.. so sian.. so i drag my lazy bones out of bed and got changed.. well i missed my breakfast again though.. :x.. but overall i did had quite a good time eating lunch with my family.. cos its quite a rare opportunity that we can all go out and eat lunch together.. becos normal days they are all working and stuffs.. hais.. aniway we also chatted and laughed.. was pretty nice.. some people can have fun with their family everyday.. but for me.. its only onces awhile.. sighs..

sighs.. last night xiaofeng went ktv with burgundy and friends wor then they go watch narnia.. so good.. i've been feeling like going to ktv these few days.. but no one pei me leh.. so sad.. lol.. haiz.. got time then i organize bah.. see how.. but i sing so sucky.. scare later those pple go with me liao will have nightmare man..

then shi hui also another owl -.-.. so late still below her house with her friends.. power sia these people.. but shi hui so lucky got so many good friends stay near her.. anytime also can go out with them.. when she need someone also can find them easily.. for me its so sian lor.. no one live near me.. even so i dont think they will be so nice find me when i need someone.. cos they're all lazy to walk into my house which takes about 15mins.. -.-.. pathetic.. sighz..

sighs.. anyway last night slept at 3+am.. wanted to sleep earlier.. but as usual.. cant seem to sleep.. was feeling emotional again after talking to selene.. but well.. im glad i kinda help her "solved" her problems.. sighs.. sometimes i feel that girls are really hard to understand.. at this moment they could be saying this but the next moment they might be saying something else..

hmm.. guess selene shd be with eric now lol.. cos she told me they meeting today.. well i hope selene is enjoying herself now..

aniway wat i wana say is.. selene u shd know wat u want.. ur heart love eric.. thats for sure.. so u dont have to feel confused when u meet all ur ex's.. becos its a fact that u cant go back to them anymore.. u've already chose to move on with ur life and have found the dream guy.. so now just stick to him and be urself k.. dun make urself troubled when it can be avoided..

ok bah.. i'll stop here.. kinda sian.. feel that all kind of happiness in my life is just temp.. they would not last..

- i hate cold blooded girls *
2:51 PM

written on 02.01.06..

sian.. hm today nothing much bahs.. went for dinner with family.. hehe.. after that went to buy ice cream.. yum!.. bought alot of cornettos.. and 2 tubs of haagen dazs ice cream.. shiok!..

hmm.. then when i came back i talk to selene on msn.. but well she seem busy or kinda moody.. can see from the way she type.. and she was replying real slow.. kinda not like her usual self.. sighs.. so i also nv disturb her further..

then at midnight or so we chatted.. then as usual she give me the kind of voice whereby i hear liao i knew something is wrong with her.. cos it isnt the usual voice i hear.. so i ask her to share with me her problems.. well.. then she told me that eric like angry with her cos she was talking to him on msn.. and then later she ask eric if they still meeting today anot cos her ex wanted to meet her.. then after this eric nv reply liao.. and went afk.. well.. then i put myself in eric situation and try to explain to her the possible reasons..

then she also tell me last night when she met her ex.. she got the kind of feeling.. and felt like hugging him etc.. well.. this is normal.. no one can forget the feeling for their ex so easily.. i mean deffinitely u will still feel something when u see someone u used to love and be with right?.. but well u've got to learn to remove it becos now u've moved on with ur life.. u cant turn back anymore.. becos u've already chose eric.. if u still think of ur ex.. then it wont be fair to eric.. and u might hurt and confuse him too..

aniway after sometime.. shes better already.. cos i can hear it from her voice.. haha.. im glad that i can at least help her to feel better.. but well i began to feel down.. sighx.. so i ask her to call her dardar yun or eric..

i feel glad to be able to make her happy when shes down and solve her problems if she has any.. even though i cant be with her.. all i want is her to be happy.. even if it will make me suffer in pain..

- i hate cold blooded girls *
10:46 PM