Saturday, May 16, 2009
guess im having depression again.. it seems like i've a very weak mind.. i cant take it if certain issues drags over time.. especially stress.. all these need time to learn and get over i think.. depression is just a way the brain uses to let the human escape reality.. its a mental reaction to defend itself? maybe..
the human brain is so complicated.. guess theres no exact reason for each human behaviour.. im such a emo person at time.. there was time where i though of studying psychology so maybe i can understand myself and others better.. but im not sure if this is really what i liked.. as sometimes wat u like isnt what u will enjoy doing forever and when we like something we only see the surface or general view of it but not the process and how it work..
its so hard to come to a conclusion of wat i really like.. sighs.. fuck me.. i dun understand why am i so complex and mess up.. at times i really think that im abnormal.. as if im crazy or unexplainable weird.. isit just me or does other people behave like this too?..
i hate it when my emo side comes in.. sometimes i feel as if i've split personalities.. sighs.. i took out a cup noodle and cooked it but suddenly i dun feel like eating anymore so i gave it to my friend.. my friend think im crazy.. yeah.. another friend said becos my cup noodle in the locker very long already so i dun wan to eat.. that sentence makes me frustrated and i tell him.. i can eat it if he wants me to.. fucking irritated.. sometimes i fucking dont know how the fuck i live with idiots..
maybe thats why my general knowledge seem to be reducing everyday.. i feel im getting more and more stupid each day.. and i feel difficulty living with other when im out of this shit hole.. its like 2 different world...
fucking nuts.. everyone is lazy and not talking abt facts everyday.. just like cleaning the place.. no body cares and they just dump their trash all over.. including their cig butts.. fcking irritating cos i have to do all these cleaning eventually becos my master keep saying im the 'role model' of this place.. keep saying if theres 10 goh yc in this place den good bla bla.. fck.. sometimes i also dont know wat.. im just doing wat i've to do cos this place doesnt motivate me to do more.. people just like to disturb each other for the 'fun' of it.. fuck sia...
sighs.. when im in this state the other sweet nice side seem to just lost itself.. i get irritated easily by the slightest lame joke, bad comments or provoke towards/about me...
it seems like when a person is in this state of depression he gets really sensitive to everything and all the past negative issues will keep appearing in his mind.. in extreme case he will lost his general mind and do things he normally wont do at all.. like smoking or causing harm to themself.. they might not even feel the pain nor fear death...
im at my limits.. i really dun feel like doing anything right now.. just laying around like a dead man.. i wish i could care less but i cant becos its all related to me.. it will always be there until its solved... sighs...
suddenly i dun even noe wat am i writing about.. its like a mental blockage or trip.. suddenly u feel like ur just looking at wats infront of u and u forgotten wat exactly the last second or last thought was about.. ur eyes just stare blankly ahead and u duno wat u see as if ur eyes are closed..
a sec i could be trying to make myself smile a sec i could be thinking abt my nightmares.. as if my feeling has gone mad.. like a robot with a short circuit......
another way i trys to help myself is to keep myself busy and so my mind wouldnt idle and start thinking all over the place.. sighs...
i hope everything will be over soon...
