Monday, January 07, 2008
Happy new year everyone..
sighs.. scary.. its 2008 le.. fast uh.. this year count down feels totally different.. isnt as exciting as it use to be.. still remember 2007 count down was so crazy.. lols..
aniway yeahs now we get older and older each year.. life of the 20's really is different.. sighs.. things are moving rapidly around us and it seems like we cant take time off them..
sucks.. sucks..
everything changed.. including myself.. though now i change in a way that i became more ignorant towards everything.. when last time i cared too much.. and bring myself so much troubles and problems..
but being ignorant has its own side effects as well.. i didnt made myself change.. i just gradually changed.. being cant be bothered to do anything liao.. sighs.. suddenly im scared of myself.. because my mood is so unpredictable.. a simple thing can change my mood.. i get irritated easier.. and i start to become over realistic.. things that i know or foresee i dont even wana try..
duno how to explain exactly wat im feeling.. but its just bad and nasty shit.. all these changes starting to change me into a cold and emotionless person.. i hardly feel much nowadays..
all i can feel is the dull side of life and how miserable loneliness feels like..
sighs... sickening..
seriously if i cant get out of this.. i duno how much these effects gona change my life.. isit becos of my work now? maybe?.. the urge of feeling helplessly stuck in a shit.. bound by responsibilities... and NS...
sighs.. so lost.. i dun even understand myself.. so i dun expect others to do so.. all i want is they can just stop being retards..
how strong a friendship is, isnt measured by how often they meet up.. to me its more then that.. a friend that meet up 7/7 doesnt mean that he/she could be a true friend.. i dont understand why some of my "ex" friends has to give me the kind of fuckup feeling just becos i dun like to go out and meet up due to personal reason or watever crap im facing.. Is there any problem with not meeting up? i seriously doesnt see any problem for them to get pissed at me.. not like i promised them that i will go.. and most of the time they treat me worst then how they treat those people that hurt or do nasty shit to them.. wat the fck did i do to them man to get double the 'reward' the real nasty people gets??..
and onces they give me this kind of feeling.. good bye.. i will not want to meet up again.. because i know when i meet up they will kbkp about the last incident and so on.. its wtf man.. zZz.. u think i want to meet up to get suaned or to entertain them for wat they've prove to me about the friendship?.. sorry no.. cause theres stuffs i can never tolerate!..
i hate being a sensitive person.. im very sensitive towards the feeling people gives me.. if they arent being truthful etc.. most of the time i can feel.. and it just makes me sick.. because i still have to put up a smile and pretend i dont know wat the hell they are trying to do/say.. seriously being sensitive is dam shit.. i rather be a non sensitive person.. at least you wont feel so screw up when you see all the things you foreseen coming true..
just becos i dun like to be mean to people i know doesnt mean that im not angry.. and if one day all these anger is released which im always trying to hold back for being sensible and also due to what we've been educated by our parents, school about rules, regulations, responsibilities etcs.. i wont be surprise that things might get overly extreme..
aniway the feeling i get is like as if i owe them money and i run away.. -.-.. this is lame shit.. maybe i've seen too much of these thats why i never like to social too much.. becos all these will happen.. and especially when im bad at rejecting people etc..
hais.. when i play maple i see those pple all so united together i really does envy them.. it was also wat i wanted when i was playing RO.. but even after years of effort.. i still failed endlessly and i've given up totally now.. life just seem so hopeless..
maybe becos as a perfectionist we want everything to be gd.. be it in r/s.. friends.. or watever.. but when either one fails it seems to us as if the whole reason to be alive is shattered.. i tried to care less but even so it has problems.. i've no idea how to cure myself already...
recently theres alot of unhappiness in my family.. parents quarrel or watever shit.. im sick and tired to be bothered abt it after the last incident which kills me totally.. this is a shit hole.. ARG! fck la.. my family is screwed up eventhough on the surface it look intact.. but actually theres more then it seems to be.. so disgusting! zzz..
sick and tired of smiling when deep inside you know it wont last.. or worst.. its fake.. i guess im just not easily sastified.. i want everyone and thing around me to be happy.. else i get fed up.. actually to think deeper.. its rather contradicting.. anyone with the right mind can just comment and make me look like a attention seeking retard.. but all i can say is.. only people thats on the same boat can feel where the boat is heading and hows the condition of the boat...
play game does make me think lesser.. its like a morphine to ease the pain.. sighs.. but sometimes morphine is a very depressing process........
