Monday, April 09, 2007
darling just said something which squeezed my heart.. a million thoughts came... and i just suddenly sank into emo state...
today i got 2 feeling from darling and both made me felt that i disappointed her.. first is her grandma birthday.. second is another issue that she just told me.. my heart really felt squeezed.. i felt lost suddenly.. still i thought i was trying my best in being perfect for her..
the feeling of knowing that i've disappointed her.. just made me feel so lost and failed...
i dont know whats wrong with me.. i think i've lost myself totally into this love.. i cant do anything right now.. and im super sensitive to many things.. before im attached i dont mind if i do anything wrong or watever.. but now.. i feel horrible if i make any mistake.. the feeling of perfectionist just get stronger.. and it stress myself out even more..
something is making me doing things that isnt up to my physical and mentally limits.. im tired.. really tired.. i just feel like going into a deep sleep..
im too self conscious.. self demanding.. in confident...
suddenly i feel that i hope everything is just a dream.. so i can slap myself out of it.. im too weak to accept this beautiful dream..
tell me wat can u give to your beloved darling?.. can you really give her happiness?.. im being realistic.. im talking about a good future etc.. seriously i've no confidence..
i dont believe in simple life although i wish there is.. cause the world is realistic.. no money no talk.. and i know darling wants a good future too.. she wants to be rich so she can prove to her relatives and people whom despise her that she can do it..
im so stressed that i will give her stress/burden instead.. of cause im also aiming for a bright future.. i dont want to throw my family face.. and i want to give my parents good life for the rest of their life.. like how my dad worked hard to let us eat and live well..
im stressed indeed.. because until now.. i've yet to find out my interest.. on the other hand my darling already had.. and she even got a good job waiting for her to accept when she graduate.. do u know how i feel?.. i feel like a good for nothing right now..
yeah some guys can accept this.. some even get money from their gf.. zZz i duno how they do it.. but i will NEVER borrow/get money from my gf.. infact i want to pay for every single thing.. i will feel very embarrassed and sucky if my gf pay for me.. perhaps thats the reason why i always stay at home when my finance is low.. and that also explains why my finance is never stable..
sighs.. yes i think far.. but i feel im just being realistic.. i dont believe in fairytale.. yes money isnt everything and money cant buy happiness.. but when theres no money many problems will come.. so i believe im not thinking about irrelevant matters because these are issues that i have to be worried about sooner or later thing..
i hate myself.. why am i so weak.. i think too much indeed.. but its not something i can control.. please end my misery...
ending here.. theres too much to write... all in my mind...
