wah time flies.. as usual.. another day gone! lol.. pengs..

sighs.. recently stress still hugging to me tightly.. ever since i finish my PD1 im still being troubled by exams and tat mini project..

until now i haven finish the mini project gosh!.. lol cos i've been dragging.. and well i feel very demoralized to do it.. cos its like website designing and stuffs used to be my favourite.. but now it just seem so dull.. maybe i've lost my interest or becos last time im making website for a reason?.. like the old days of [ A ] Alliance clan? www.clanalliance.cjb.net or maybe becos its just so different.. becos this mini project uses java programming and MySqL database... much much tougher compare to simple html codes..

aniway i feel that the main part of demoralizing came from the stupid Examiner Review.. well i will talk abit about that day.. since i nv mention it previously.. I spent alot of affort on the damn Project Design 1.. yeah i really had to admit that.. and well an average grade student like me.. given such a miserable project to work upon to do 'individually' just becos on the first week my project mates didnt turned up.. and well im sure is 'lucky' to be paired up with such project mates too..

sighs when i was given this project.. i must say i wasnt very delighted as well.. i was thinking of something like a product or a device made out by myself.. but never did i expected i will be given a task of producing experimental kit sets for other students.. but well i dont have a choice furthermore im working alone and if im to do the kind of normal projects other student do.. it will be very tedious for me.. having to do research, design, programming, and etc all by myself.. when its supposed to be split among 3 person..

so well i just accepted the task and do it.. though i knew its going to be a weird project.. cos its like im doing a technician work? not really an engineer style...

and well my assumption was proven true during the dam Examiner Review.. 2 directors (big shots) turn up for the review.. suppose to be 3 but i think the other one had something on.. and those 2 directors were also expected by me.. cos i always see them doing ER for other groups too.. aniway i was stressed of cos.. but i tried my best to present everything and such.. throwing out everything i know to them.. but i can see that they arent interested with my project at all...

and in the end they finally prove me right by asking.. why are you doing these?.. so i just tell them i dont have a choice.. this project was given to me.. not chosen by me.. then they say i shd do something then can bring out my technical skills.. meaning like a real engineer able to build something out from nothing that kinda style.. aniway they dont seem happy thats all i can say.. so well im like "wtf" sighs.. after all the endless effort.. seems like everything gone to waste.. and i can see they gona pull my grades down.. so the most i can get is perhaps B+..

its just really demoralizing and horrible experience i would say.. i hate ER seriously..

sighs and well i really spent so much time on the project until i neglected my CSA and INT module.. so well thats the reason why im feeling so shit now.. cos now i look at my lecture notes for CSA and INT then i realized i dont know much of the content at all... and exam is next week! bahh..

the tot of giving up just swarm into my mind....

a little update on my family.. dad's getting better.. but well movement isnt the same as before already.. he can hardly move fast or wat.. but aniway good thing is that he dont have to use clutches anymore..

mum had been really worn out lately.. cos she had to takecare of dad and etc.. shes been driving my dad around for his checkup etc and to places as far as ubi.. well her eye sight is really bad now.. so sighs.. i can see the aging of my parents.. its pretty upsetting.. thats why this heavy burden of responsibility as the only guy and such just falls upon me greatly.. due to taking care of my dad.. my mum had been yelling at me more then often to help out.. which is part of the reason why im feeling so vexed.. not that im not sensible enuff to help out.. infact i did help out.. but just that too much is going on.. i cant handle everything.. especially a person like me whoms bad at multi tasking/stress and time management.. i also like to help out more.. but not when im clouded with personal issues all over.. sighs... i guess everything just falls upon me too rapidly.. so fast that i dont know how to handle and cope with them...

u know why im so scared about aging now?.. becos time is moving so fast that im hitting the big 21 this year! but seriously i dont feel ready enough for whats coming right at me..

i need to grow up more mentally and physically..!!

im still working on it... jiayou! gambatte yc san!!..

sighs..

aniway i just completed my Final Theory Lessons today.. now going to go for my final theory practice and evaluation soon..

Final theory really is more complicated then Basic theory.. becos its more about the car itself.. how u control ur car.. accelerating/maintaining speed/brake etc.. and well cos im learning manual its tougher.. got to know all the gears.. when to use gear wat etc.. and changing gear u got to clutch etc.. bahh it all look so easy when we're looking at someone driving but wow.. i cant believe theres so many steps involved.. and the instructor really made it sound so scary..

aniway when the instructor demo the air bag operation it really shocked us lol!.. the guy sitting beside me was chosen cos the girl beside him pointed at him when the instructor ask who like to volunteer.. lmao.. its on a machine.. that look exactly like the driving part of the car.. with the steering wheel etc.. the guy got onto it and hook up the seat belt.. the instructor then pushed the seat with the guy sitting on it and it actually slide forward upon a metal railing.. we all though the motive was just to show us how the guy sitting on it is being thrown forward upon hitting an object.. the guy did jerked forward when the seat hit the end of the railing.. the second time he pushed harder.. we all tot its gona show us how it will be with bigger impact.. and well this shocked us.. there was a super loud BANG! and it happen so fast in like a split second! and u see a big air bag infront of the guy head.. lol he was shocked hahaha.. then we all laughed.. then he told the instructor why u didnt warned me about this lol !!.. no wonder before that the instructor ask if he got heart attack anot lol!... funny..

second lesson of final theory was with an intresting instructor.. i liked his lessons.. i happen to got him during my Basic theory lessons.. and im surprised that i got him again for my final theory.. guess hes incharge for all classes in the time slot that i booked.. aniway hes really nice.. never fail to entertain the class.. although hes kinda lame sometimes lol...

and well thanks to him we know that if u're being caught for jay walking nowadays.. u will be fined $100!! previously was only $50.. and well something intresting he shared with us was he said in the morning he had this girl taking warm up before the TP test.. and well he was with the girl during the warm up session and this girl just got pissed becos it was raining.. he said he was in a good mood.. so he dont even know that it was raining lol!.. then the girl asked him why isit raining today.. he was puzzled with this question so he just said "bobian mah" lol.. then the girl got pissed.. aniway the most ownage thing is the girl in the end say.. If i fail TP then its ur fault!.. wow... im really surprised on how some people dare to raise their voice and attitude towards instructors and such.. cos i can never do it.. dont know why.. infact im scare of getting scolded by them for not doing well if i take my practicals.. so i really wonder how some pple can actually turn around and scold instructors lol! wtf man...

aniway his really a funny instructor.. i dont mind taking more of his lessons seriously lol.. cos he nv make it bored.. and im impressed on how he can memorise the Basic Theory and Final Theory hand book so well.. he can know which page wat paragraph is about wat etc.. goshh.. so sometimes he just suddenl say.. turn to page blah blah.. paragraph xxx take note on that.. etc..

i really pei fu him!! lol...

on the way home.. wow saw 3 pretty and cute girls in the bus.. hmm but from their voice they sound like typical xiao lians.. hahas.. hmm maybe they look good cos they had make up on.. but aniway looking at them just made me feel as if im so old... seriously i dont fit in to places with too many youngsters already.. cant help it but i just feel im already old..

and yea.. my phone is really dying! i charge to full batt but even sms or a short call will kill the phone.. suddenly it will just shuts down.. i think most probably batt is dying.. sighs still wondering if i shd change phone.. or wat...

dont think my dad will be happy too if he knows i wana change phone.. sighs.. still remember i got to beg him tat time just to change to my current hp when the previous one was dying due to the keypad..

sighs and i seriously never enjoyed asking him for anything.. esp now that he's not feeling well...

sighs... the family is really not so great these while i can say... mum and dad both keep mention about dying and shit.. really make me feel so zzzz... today my mum even show me her CPF and say wat if she die then at least we know she got CPF.. say we can use the money etc.. wah lao i listen already i really zzz.... my mum had eye problems so well im kinda aware that she might have to go for operation when her eyes get worst.. and that kinda operation isnt 100% successful de but sighs..... why everyone keep talkin about dying!!!!...

and well the day before i also heard my mum talkin to her friend tat.. dad told her that if one day he really cannot take care of himself he will kill himself de and wont be a burden to her...

arghss! its really wtf lor.. i seriously hate it when they talk likedat... it seriously sucks!

and to add on to the mess the family have a half dead dog too.. blackie is like a time bomb now.. anytime or when will just like pass away.. sighs.... and on the other hand i have a crazy joggie that cant wait to tear the house apart.. wtf man..

sighs and i guess my parents dont even know that they have a son here thats actually suffering from depression all the while since young..... and how am i going to get better when they themselves alway keep talking about depressing stuffs...

sighss.. im feeling really very vexed and sicked.. starting to view things in another way now.. aniway think im loosing weight again.. was back to 75kg+ awhile ago.. now i dropped back to ard 73kg.. all these nights just could sleep well.. and im loosing appetitide for anything.. hardly eat much everyday.. only eat like 2 meals.. sighs...

hadnt been blogging much ever since 29th Jan 07 nor messing around with drafts or updates.. and wow now look like this is the longest entry recently..

sighs.. wo hao lei.........

i might look better recently in real life becos i dont talk as much depressing/emo things with a tone of tears choking.. but sighs only i myself know it.. aniway i guess no point telling people so much.. becos everyone has their own problems too.. i dont enjoy going around and telling people wat shit im in unless they force me.. or if the situation requires me to share my part.. example in a heart to heart talk?.. also i dont know if they will really be worried for me or not but i myself also dont wish them to worry for me so much.. somethings are best kept to oneself.. why give friends that care extra stress? all i wan to give my friends would prolly be a good companion/shoulder to lean on/pair of listening ears..

overall i just hope i can be there for them and solve/reduce their problems and not add on...

i will keep up that smile and laughter of mine with whoever im with till the day i break down....

- i hate cold blooded girls *
11:43 PM