Monday, February 19, 2007
*sighs*
2 mins away from 6am! and here i am sitting infront of my pc now, writting down my thoughts again with a body smelling nice and fresh from the shower..
earlier on went to meet up with zhenning and benjamin at liquid kitchen around 10+ - 11pm.. and we're just talking crap as usual with a bottle of beer each.. sighs.. then zhenning tell us about taihwa.. my beloved sister haha.. yeah but well after getting scolded by her then i realised that i've neglected her all these while as well.. hais.. and shes going back aust on tuesday.. so well decided to go down mos to find her.. since peggy, zhiheng and her is going down...
went to benjamin house as he need to get his car followed by my house as i get changed into a proper clubbing attire as i was wearing t-shirt, shorts and slippers..
reach mos at around 1:40+am.. well the crowd wasnt great i would say.. overall it wasnt a great night.. but zhenning, benjamin and myself tried our best to enjoy ourselves.. its also the first time i've danced and stayed so long in the RnB (Smoove) section.. but the crowd there kinda irritated me.. especially the guys there.. i just get turned off somehow as i see guys frenching/hugging girls while dancing.. and trust me some of them wasnt good looking at all and it made me feel like shit.. asking myself how come they can enjoy themselves with girls while im having so much difficulties on it..
its not the first time i've seen all these in clubbing.. but why now im getting irritated by it? and the feeling that i get through clubbing is totally different from what i used to feel.. thats the question.. theres more to it then just being irritated.. think my mind is rejecting something.. therefore resulting in feeling irritated..
that made me pondered and i did some self reflection together with all the comments and stuffs i've heard through the whole night.. thats when i let out a big sigh and realised that onces again i've lost myself.. i guess i've changed these months.. into someone totally different from wat i used to be.. no more clubbing and im feeling that im starting to become more of a serious introvert..
and i dont know why i'm kinda avoiding girls lately.. even if i never avoid them i feel that i've lost all topic to talk with them.. make it seems like i've got nothing to talk about with girls.. and i get extremely irritated if certain girls try to get in too much into my life, trying to understand me in a wrong way or misjudging me..
maybe i've really given up on girls after the last hurt? or im starting to reject them physically?.. though at times yes i still talk about girls with my friends and such.. but when the real thing come on doing it (knowing girls etc).. im totally NOT interested.. maybe my heart is really dead?.. or im just lazy?.. or i've become gay without knowing?.. no joke.. perhaps cause all these months.. the only people thats been with me and supported me the right way were all my guys buddies.. but i feel that im a messed up shit right now..
am i waiting for something to happen or wat? just feeling like im hanging in nowhere.. totally living dead and couldnt be bothered with much matters.. accepting whatever comes to me and not trying to fight for any single bit of hope.. thats why i dont ask people out i dont call people etc.. but worst of all im avoiding everything..
think im become too much of a realistic guy now.. therefore everything just turn negative towards me.. i guess some of my friend's right about me being too negative.. maybe i've turn into a serious negative person lately without being aware of it..
sigh..
