Monday, December 18, 2006
its a windy and cooling night after a day of drizzling and heavy downpour..
feeling sad with a million thoughts..
hoping that i could cry out my sorrows now but the usual filled amazon river seems insufficient to overflow the river bank..
wat more could i do but try to note down my emotions now since i cant express them..
as usual..
a sleepless night.. or shd i say.. i dun feel like sleeping right now..
sighs..
thinkin about the future.. i wonder..
wat would my fate be.. how and wat would i be 10 years from now.. when im in my 30's.. would i be married by then?.. how would my health be by then?.. i seriously dont know.. but if i continue to abuse and not taking care of myself.. i guess my health would be on the downfall by then..
sighs.. how would i leave this world.. peaceful or in the hospital gasping for my last breathe.. i wonder..
some people might think.. im thinking too far ahead.. but look.. time is racing against us without mercy.. it seems just like yesturday when its the start of 2006.. and now we're already reaching the end of 2006.. soon we will have to start writting 2007 on our paperwork.. and its so shocking that if u look back u will realized that time is passing so fast and we're aging fast as well.. before u knew.. u're already out of ur late teens entering the adult life.. and u'll start envying other teens hanging around town thinking tat its almost like yesturday when u're enjoying youth just like how they were.. but the fact is we dont look like them anymore.. we had already aged with time..
nowadays we have this mindset.. fate had it all planned out for us.. isit true that our future and fate had already been planned like a character in a story book.. maybe not.. becos we can just end our life anytime we want.. or perhaps we're just writtin our fate and future each living day.. like a empty book having its content's filled up as days passes..
although i had decided to be a decent healthy being before.. living life to the fullest.. but i just cant help it sometimes.. wasting my life away in a twitch sec.. its true that the distance between the angel and devil is just a thin line away..
before u could even hesitate or wonder.. u're already crossing the border without knowing..
still i will try my best to stand firm and be wat i'm.. becos i know it hurts people around me if they see i had actually changed..
when i see people i care/love/close to me.. changing one after another.. i wondered.. since everyone is changing.. why dont i play along and changes as well.. but theres many reasons pulling me back.. so much tat i cant even explain..
i must say that the feeling of seeing people u really care/love changing into wat they arent.. really dont feel good at all.. from innocents being into individuals tat arent innocent/decent anymore and such really hurts.. we will always miss the good old side of them.. but yet we can only feel so helpless and respect, support them for wat they're now.. becos if they're happy being this way.. wat reasons/rights do u have in stopping them?..
sighs..................
wat worst if u have to see and watch people close to u.. slowly fade away each living day due to certain illness until the day they leave u totally with nothing but memories.. yet u could do totally nothing to prevent the worst from happening..
i got to thank chui yee for lending me this book..
"Tuesdays with Morrie"
its real meaningful.. sighs..
the following quotes were taken from the book and it made so much sense to me.. but i still feel so clueless upon wat i shd do..
One afternoon, i am complaining about the confusion of my age, what is expected of me versus what i want for myself.
"Have i told you about the tension of opposites?" he says.
The tension of opposites?
"Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted.
"A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle."
...
"So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy doing things they think are important. This is because they're chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning."sighs.. i'll end here..
bye.. and stay healthy people..
