Sunday, December 24, 2006
the events for today just ended with benjamin sending us home from jurong point.. im just a follower.. and infact the last time i actually organized/planned something for a group of friends etc could had been back in sec school.. i also forgotten since when and why i actually stopped organizing/planning....
aniway watched death note 2 with the guys.. although i didnt really watched death note.. i did scan thru it and i kinda noe wats its about.. so i didnt really got lost when i was watching death note 2..
its really a well organized movie.. i will say its a very good movie to watch..
but kinda sad at the end.. (to me)..
sighs.. today i 'ate' 5 sticks.. actually i wouldnt even touch it.. but my mood.. even made me almost wanted to buy..
hais...
today would had been a fine day actually.. despite of being tired.. cos i actually didnt slept much.. slept for less then 3hrs.. cos if i really sleep i know i will wake up very late..
sighs...
kinda havin headache now..
drank some beers earlier on.. maybe i shouldnt.. at least i can still control myself..
tears were shed.. why?... becos onces again i feel hurt by someone i thought i was close with.. someone whom i thought understood me and knew me.. but looks like im wrong..
been so long since i last shed infront of my sec sch guys friends.. sorry for such an awful sight.. wish u all hadnt seen it.. now thinking back.. i really feel i shouldnt had shed them.. but since its already shed.. i just got to make sure i learn from it..
i tried to change.. facing problems.. but i suck at handling problems.. i realized.. avoiding is still the best.. u know why? becos when i face them.. the problem just get worst and bigger then it was.. but avoiding problem never made me feel any better either.. just made me stress about it every moment.. so wats the diff actually....
i admit my greatest bad habit is to go missing or mia.. whenever im down.. but thats becos im already used to being lonely.. and having no one to really share my problems with since i was a kid.. and gradually it just became part of my character.. and i always thought mia will be better then showing people my sadness/unhappiness.. becos they might say ahh why u keep sulking.. why u keep frowning etc and their comments might just make me feel even worst.. so wat best is just to hide urself from their sight isnt it?.. and im not that easy to get cheered up when im actually in a low mood.. so i dun wan my friends to feel irritated/tired trying to cheer me up etc.. but even when i mia.. not many of my friends can understand... and some still blame me and hate me for it.. as if my disappearance will harm them in anyway.. sometimes being thoughtful just dont pay off... that applies for being nice as well...
sighs so much for always trying to be perfect.. wat my buddy told me last time is true.. being perfection is actually a selfish act.. isit?.. u tot u're being nice.. but on the other way round.. u might just being a total asshole or a dumbass..
onces again im reflecting on my actions..
im starting to realized something.. its so hard to change.. im not the kind of person tats really blessed with alot of friends.. and even if i do.. i know i will have a hard time.. becos i always like to give all i can to each and everyone.. but i learnt that its impossible!.. cos im not a god.. im just a human like how everyone else is.. we have our limits.. u can never please everyone around u.. thats something for sure.. so why am i so stupid to have this foolish mindset stuck in my brain like a microprocessor inside a robot?.. trying to please everyone and make them happy.. and when i fail.. i put all the blame on myself...
i wonder wats the point of being so good to people.. u can treat them like god.. and try to be there for them everytime they need someone.. but one stupid mistake.. be it ur fault or not.. can cos them to hate/dislike u and simply forget watever good point u had..
i shd just be myself.. im an introvert since the start.. i was never an outgoing, interactive person.. why wana fight against it and try to be someone outgoing and thinking as if i can be a good listener and help/care for others as if im some holy priest.. and end up suffering...
people take things in life easy.. but why am i taking things so hard.. like if i found out tat i did something wrong accidentally or unknowingly.. i will feel the guilt and keep blaming myself.. even if the problem doesnt lies with me i will still blame myself..
expecting too much from wat i can achieve?.. wat a dreamer...
enjoy life to the fullest.. but this deffinitely isnt the right way.. all the while i've just been giving myself stress and worries.. im not a living god... people around me might not even know who i am and wat i've been trying to do.. in the first place do they even understand...
its so hard to be happy.. becos to be happy u got to be selfish for sure.. having the mindset of 'pleasing myself first before others'.. and lies need to be said now and then.. those people that know me for who i am.. will noe that this 2 point i really suck with them...
i always tries my best to advise/care and help friends around me.. and when i got nice stuffs i will like to share with them as well if its something tat can be shared.. treats were never given becos i wan something in return.. sighs...
i can never lie without hesitating and feeling guilty.. tats why.. i admit i do lie when the circumstances make me left with no choice.. but its deffinitely not going to be said to cover up any selfish acts or such.. and i seriously feel guilty after it..
i wonder if my friends even realized these points in me.. or maybe to people around me.. im just like any bastard out there.. or they think im trying to be nice for any specific reasons tat benefits myself.. watever it is.. i want to say this..
understand me before u start misjudging me..
