Thursday, October 05, 2006
just got up.. actually woke up pretty early but i just dun feel like getting out of bed.. didnt had a good sleep at all.. i keep thinking and even dream about those comments that were given to me last night... its like a nightmare stalking me.. even right now im not feeling any better..
thats something i hated the most in my life.. and it just make me felt like worthless being alive..
right now im really on my weakest moments.. all the current problems and past stuffs are really sinking into my view..
im really tired.. tired of everything.. i tried to live for myself.. but end up i just live for others even more.. why isit so hard to change now.. maybe my character's already hardened.. cant be moulded anymore..
sighs.. i wanted to became a bastard but i didnt managed to do it.. cos its just not me.. i maybe can do it when im drunked.. but deffinitely not when im awake and knowing wat im doing..
sometimes.. i wonder who really cares.. i have god-sisters and brothers.. but seriously how many of them care about my life.. i've seldom heard this "eh dont bully my bro".. thats why when i heard it i feel touched.. cos its a physical way to show u care for the person.. its better then saying i care for u blah blah.. etc crap but nv do anything when their support and concerns were needed..
sometimes i feel that im the one holding onto friendships and sisterships/brotherhoods.. its like if i dont do anything the bond will just crumble..
sighs sis and bros maybe also doesnt exist anymore.. who now still takes sisterships and brotherhoods seriously?.. like really real sis and bro.. people now can anyhow call others "sup bro" etc as a term of communication.. watever.. this world is just getting more and more selfish, realistic and screwed up.. people dont really care about others much..
since long ago.. i have a wish.. i wish that whenever i feel disheartened.. theres someone willingly to come and look up on me and to be there to care for me.. as a true friend/sis/bro.. but this day never came.. and i also given up on it.. i dont dare to expect much.. so all i can do is cry alone on my bed when im upset.. and continue acting strong when im outside.. long ago i used to put up a black face whenever im troubled or watever.. but i changed eventually becos i feel it isnt right to mess up my friends days just becos of my problems.. so i still try to smile and laugh with them.. trying to be a good companion..
even my family dont care abt me.. how pathetic.. but i know im not the only one.. parents are always likedat... and my 2 elder sisters arent close with me as well.. i just dont feel that i can tell them my secrets and problems.. its becos my life doesnt really have people that i can seek thats why i always wish someone will be seriously concerned about me.. am i asking too much?..
i care for people around me.. yes especially those i like being with and closed with.. becos i know how sucks it is to live without people caring and loving.. so i will be there for them whenever i can.. when they need a listening ear, a shoulder, some attention etc.. sighs.. all i wish in return is they will really treat me as a true friend and respect me..
sighs i admit sometimes i might look girlish.. got to accept that cos i dont have any brothers at home.. only 2 sisters.. somehow i got alittle influenced by them and also my parents kinda taught me like how they taught my sisters.. so making me really a fuckup person.. but please i have my good side as well.. people just love to critisize me about being gay or watever fuck.. im really tired.. i always want to be a perfect person.. u have no idea how sick and sucks it is to be called gay/ahgua as a guy please!.. guys has ego and dignity k.. being called that simply feels like a sword being stab into your chest.. especially to emotional person like me..
why should a guy yell at a girl? in my mind this just doesnt seem right.. unless the girl just being super unreasonable and pushes u to the limits.. and come on i will never hit a girl.. i just dont get it last night why they expect me to yell back like a gangster when girl wack me.. and sitting cross leg doesnt really mean is gay lor.. my dad also sits likedat.. its the business man way isnt it.. if u sit like a gangster or wat u think people will have good impression of u?.. and even on tv news those man getting interviewed also sit that way..
aiya! watever larh! i dont want to say anymore now... its really fucked up!!.. im back into my depressed self.. i dont know how will i forget about those shits.. if i dont get over it i will just disappear.. since im so gay then forget it..
