Wednesday, August 16, 2006
i no longer know who i am.. i am no longer the yc i used to be.. onces again i sank deeper into darkness..
sitting infront of my pc now with a broken heart..
thinking of the past..
the present..
things i regretted..
im feel so lonely and helpless..
i pity myself..
thinking of my darling onces again make my heart whirls and hurts.. nowadays whenever i think of her.. a wave of sorrows just eat me up like a tsunami.. it hurts so much that tears just flows unknowingly..
time flies.. since the day i saw selene (darling) it had been 8months and 13days (22,118,400 seconds).. but i still remember the moment i saw her..
it was on the 3rd of December 2005.. a Saturday.. as usual i was there with my group of clubbing friends at music underground.. half way thru we moved to the dance floor infront of the DJ and i think y2k (terry) was with me at that moment.. somehow when my eyes swap pass the dance floor.. i noticed two girls standing infront of the platform thats on the stage and if i still remember correctly they were dressed in black.. at that point i guess they're just resting becos they weren't doing anything.. but somehow my eyes got hold of one of the girl which was selene.. i dont know why but thats the first time i actually take note of someone during clubbing.. normally i cant be bothered with girls in club as im there just to dance with kangwei, shiny jie and other close clubbing friends like xiaofeng,koni,jace,hui ting,y2k,elmo,canto and the rest..
but this time i keep looking at her.. she seem to attract my attention alot.. but well after awhile i think they left or so.. cos they disappeared.. although before that i got the urge to talk to her.. but i didnt dare to do so.. becos i dont have the experience of approaching girls i dont know.. but well after they left.. i still thought of her.. but i tried to shake myself out of it..
well afew days later.. a girl i dont know added me on friendster (which is a very rare thing).. i view her profile.. and her photos was very very familiar.. after i saw the word clubbing in her profile.. i start to recall and felt that she might be the girl i saw in MU on Saturday.. (i wasnt so sure becos i didnt get a clear look of her face in MU as the atmosphere was quite dark and dim) so well i send her a message on friendster to clarify...
Below are the messages
Yc wrote: thanx for adding me.. btw u look quite familiar
- x selene x - wrote: welcome.. =) erms.. i look familiar? o.o?? lols`
Yc wrote: duno leh just feel u look familiar hmm..where do u club ?
- x selene x - wrote: ohh.. i club at music undergroundd. euu?
Yc wrote: o.O.. no wonder!! yea i also club at mu .. no wonder i find u so familiar.. i think i saw u before in mu! lol.. xD..
- x selene x - wrote: oicc` lols. u always go mu de huhh? mii go onsaturdae de. =P btw can introo?
it was on 8th of December 2005.. (thursday)
i was very happy actually.. and at the same time i cant believe that its so coincidence.. sighs.. we continued to chat on friendster messaging till later on when she ask me to add her on msn then we swap over..
the first sms she sent me was on 9th of December 2005 3:29am..
she said "Selene here.. This is my no. =)"
that was when i've got her number and also the first sms i receive from her..
although it was just a simple sms to let save her number i find it so cute.. maybe becos of the smile.. and yea i have a habit of reading out sms message in my mind and imagine its the person saying it..
well i cant recall when the date of our first conversation on phone.. but if im not wrong i think the first time she called me was when she's at orchard alone.. and her friend pangseh her i think.. so she called me ask me to accompany her.. but at tat time i was having dinner with family i think so we didnt manage to talk long if im not wrong..
theres still alot of memories of our first encounter..
but i will never forget how she held my hand when we're not together yet.. i will never forget the feeling she gave me at Plaza Sing.. when she suddenly grab my arm and i got a shock and faster moved my hand away.. then she was like stunned by my reaction also and she was blushing (paiseh) becos i move my hand away.. but i didnt did it on purpose.. i was just shocked that she will do that.. actually i like it alot at that moment..
i also cant forget how we actually hugged in public for the first time.. i was so shy at that moment and my heart was beating so fast..
there so much memories between her and me that i couldnt forget.. and i will never forget...
sighs.. my darling had changed somehow.. i dont know how to describe.. but well she had changed many times since the day i knew her.. but no matter how she change i will still try to accept it.. but i'll miss all the good points that was lost..
last time she used to be the one giving in to me and i was the one that was demanding alot from her becos i took the relationship seriously.. but well later on i changed till im the one thats giving in to her more and gave up alot of things for her.. like now my life is only her and me.. i dont have any friends basically.. becos i never contact anyone else other then her.. sighs.. becos she dont like it.. and i also cant promise that i wont spend more time on friends then her.. so in the end i have to make a choice.. which of cos i choose her so i have to give up contacting other people..
sometimes i really feel bad neglecting all my friends.. but yet i feel ashamed to face them after wat i've done.. sorry to everyone.. sighs.. especially shiny jie, lynz jie and kangwei bro.. they've always tried to stay in contact with me but i always been such a asshole.. sighs.. im sorry to all those i've disappointed.. /sob
hais.. its hard to get use.. but now im getting used to it i guess.. but its a lonely life.. hais.. but now i find it so hard to live.. becos im having study break.. and in the day im so totally lonely.. last time at least in the day i would be in school.. something to keep me occupied.. hais.. and well now darling seem to spend alot of time with yun sis and her work friend.. aniway she starting to form her own private life i guess?.. well i wont interfere becos its her rights to have a private life..
recently when i told her that im so sian etc.. she ask me why nv go out with other people etc.. hais.. i also dont know.. last time i always quarrel with her becos she never give me any private space for personal freedom.. but now when im almost used to this kind of life shes telling me to find friends to go out with?.. i'll feel weird.. becos its something she restrict me from doing so much last time.. but yet now she kinda "allowing" it? im confused.. sighs..
i'll see how bahs.. prolly after exams when i go back into RO.. then i wont feel so left out in life le.. becos at least i can talk to people in RO and keep myself busy when my darling is busy with her work and her personal private life.. sighs..
