Friday, July 28, 2006
sighs.. just came back from school.. these days i've been so freaky zombie in school.. just like a walking dead.. my body is in school but my mind doesnt seem to be here.. its drifting around.. thinking of all the countless problems i have and how to face/solve them..
haiz.. just read dar's blog.. it really made me felt speechless.. i really got nothing to say.. i guess im really stupid.. actually whenever when i had problems with darling my classmates can guess it out just by the look of me.. and my attitude.. i get irritated easily when they bug me.. example asking me to let them copy answers and stuffs.. but i didnt flare up at them just kinda show that irritated face and crap.. sighs.. but i got to thanks them for being able to bare with my 'attitude' in class.. sighs.. they did advised me to end this relationship with her since it isnt fair to myself and im just feeling so upset often due to the quarrels and restrictions.. sighs but i always never.. i admit that i really felt like ending this misery at times.. but somehow i just couldnt do it.. prolly cos i cant bare to do so and i also dont want to hurt her.. but most importantly im serious towards her.. so the only solution to make things better is to give in to her and try to avoid quarrels as much as possible..
but.. when i read her blog.. i really got nothing to say.. i guess im the one that love her more afterall.. at least my actions prove it.. i've changed for her but she didnt changed much.. i used to be the one that was demanding becos im serious in relationship and i admit i tried to change her to the way i wanted my "ideal" gf/wife to be.. but i've changed becos she didnt like it.. and now shes changing to a demanding person.. everything she expect it to be her way.. if not shes going to feel that i dont love her and start quarrelling with me again.. i hate to quarrel with her and i never liked doing it.. so whenever she want it her way i tried my best to give in.. even if i dont like it.. and i never complain about it until when she start to bring up matters to argue with me during our quarrels then i will take out all these and prove it to her.. but then she say yea i always want to win in every quarrel.. sighs i want to win? wat i get if i win?.. she also wont change.. all i want is to prove my innocent and show her wat i've already changed for her.. but she always turn around and shoot back at me.. i also nothin to say..
sighs.. now just becos my parents want me to help out at my dad's office then this relationship is splitting apart.. how great it is hur?.. yes its going to eat up the weekends.. but then i meet u on friday.. and u also can stay overnight at my place just that u cant stay for the whole day.. u're the one that say u dont want right?.. u keep minding about the fact that u think that my parents wants to break us apart.. which wasnt true at all!.. u keep telling me things like oh becos im their son so i cant feel it.. but come on lor i also have eyes and ears to judge.. and i've asked them yesturday night.. they also dont agree.. i know u will say oh becos im their son so they wont be truthful to me.. come on lor i know whats my parents character like.. yes they might not say the truth when u're around.. but yesturday night there was no outsiders.. they have no reason to lie to me..
on the blog u mention that u're the one thats getting worst.. how come u will say this on blog but when i mention to u on the phone u will always give replies like "hur hur" etc.. u said u want me to be happy?.. do u really meant it all the while? becos normally i just feel that u want things ur way.. u dont really bother about others much.. its just like u dont like to be restricted but yet u want to restrict ur bf.. still remember how u like to complain about how much u're being restricted by xxxx?.. aniway i also lived on with ur restrictions.. not as if i struggled for my freedom.. u dont like me to talk to girls etc.. yes i followed ur request.. and yet u still doubt me.. if u dont believe u can go ahead and spy on me.. but my conscience is clear.. i do wat i've promised.. eventhough people look at me like im a asshole that give up on friendship after i've got a gf i still live with it.. obviously i dont like it.. but wat can i do?.. if i dont u're going to quarrel with me.. so only way i can do to avoid the quarrels is to do wat u expect me to do..
im really disappointed with u becos u mention that ur love for me isnt as deep as the past becos of my parents and u feel that u couldnt be the girl friend i expect u to be.. i dont know why and how u get this thought out.. but if its really so.. isnt im suppose to be the one that should say it first?.. why do i have to accept all ur bad points and continue to live on with them.. do u find that a good reason?.. aniway watever it is i still have to say i respect it.. i guess our fate really going to end here.. i really got nothing to say anymore.. becos i've told u everything and i've tried my best.. since now u're the one that feel that u're expecting more and being more mature.. wat else should i say..
haiz aniway.. onces again.. these kinda thing got to happen just right when my final exams are approaching.. i just hope that i'll be able to get rid of all these and focus on my exams and not get affected again like last year when u rejected me right before my final exams and cause me totally moodless to study at all.. and i flung 2 modules.. aniway blame it that im so bad at focusing and concentrating..
aniway im glad at least u will still be happy with ur friends.. and u got yun back with u too.. i dont have to worry much about u.. cos im sure they will take good care of u..
i'll just try to find another life for myself now..
