Wednesday, July 26, 2006
after some days of peace.. we quarrelled again just awhile ago.. its so screwed up can.. she come and argue with me about alot of things.. and some being in the past matters.. it started with me turning rather dull lately due to upcomming exams and recent projects in school.. and i already told her beforehand that i'll be pretty much down lately due to these.. but just now she still come and upset me by saying that im so dead etc on the phone etc.. she said she tried to cheer me up yea.. but seriously she doesnt know how to.. and i also never blame her by saying she dont even know how to cheer me up.. one reason is becos i also not that great at cheering her up.. so no point expecting something when u urself cant even do it well.. so i also never say much.. but all i can say is if u're down and someone keep calling u dumb ass, idiot, or some other negative remarks its not going to help.. we do often joke around by calling each other names and stuffs but that only happen when we're not in a dull mood.. but she used it just now when im not so happy as a way of cheering me up.. wth?.. is that how u cheer someone?.. and keep saying oh i want huggy.. i want kiss.. is it really the right moment for such actions.. and not to mention these arent even cheering me up.. nvm..
the worst is she start to say when im down she also down.. and she started to get moody and negative as well with me.. and dig up problems to argue about.. i remember her saying this to me before.. "why im down u also down? cant u cheer me up?".. so why cant she understand things that she used to tell me.. why she got to say when im down she also down?.. im down becos of realistic reasons and if she want to be down becos im down.. then i find it unacceptable.. i also dont expect her to console me or cheer me up.. all i want is she can give me peace and space when im not in the mood.. not add on to my burden and stress.. so am i wrong?.. she also mentioned that she's also not happy etc.. but still try to be happy.. come on im a fair person.. if u want to let out your stress on work upon me im fine and able to share it with u.. becos im ur bf.. even when u're unreasonable i still will share it with u.. like the recent one whereby u get pissed off by some kids banging upon u.. i still did my part..
and i hated it when she say i still contacting shihui.. which i already stop for a very long time.. i admit that i do contact her last time when i quarrel with my gf.. but whenever i do i will still admit that i did after that.. and i never lied to her about me contacting her.. aniway i contact her is becos shes my god-sister afterall.. and shes the only one i can talk to.. but i only talk to her about my problems and always talk through sms mostly.. its very seldom that i actually call her to talk about it.. but just now my gf still bring up and that i got contact her etc.. and she finally admit today that she does check on my hp when im not around.. but well i knew it all along.. and not only does she check on hp.. other stuff too and i know about them.. actually i hate this alot.. but i also never really go confront her and ask her to stop doing it.. what i hate is it makes me feel as if im having an affair outside or doing things unfaithful to my gf.. which is so not true k!..
i've already stop contacting everyone and shes still suspect me.. what the hack she want me to do!!?.. and when i get so fustrated just now becos im innocent she say im guilty thats why im so agitated.. it really make me so angry and upset.. it seems like i've been doing unnessary stuffs all the while.. restricting myself etc is all one sided i guess.. why should i restrict myself in the first place?.. sometimes it really makes me wonder.. since watever i does she also dont appreciate.. so why not i just be myself and if she dont like it then its her problem lor.. she really want to wait till i become like that then she will understand wat i've changed for her?..
haiz.. my life is just me and her.. other then that afew guys friend in school.. but also hi-bye friends.. never even meet up or watsoever.. when i've got problem.. i also got no one to talk to now.. telling my gf sometimes only makes things worst.. she will either blame me for the cause of the problem or she tries to console me.. and when it doesnt work she will get angry or irritated.. thats why its impossible for me to let her know what im thinking sometimes.. cos it only make me feel worst.. on the other hand.. i never expect the same from her.. i give her all the space she need until she feel that i cant be bothered about her.. and feel insecured etc.. but come on! u like to feel insecured or u like to feel totally restricted and tied up.. dont tell me crap like u want freedom + love k!.. cos in life nothing is so perfect!.. and things dont live up to ur expectations most of the time.. u can go complain to all ur friends how bad i am or watever when we quarrel but look at me.. who the hell can i talk to? yea my dog i guess...
aniway i know her friends had been saying that im shitty or watever.. but please.. Dont comment if u dont know whats going on!.. unless u can promise that u will do exactly the same thing u THINK when u're in the same situation!.. but i also cant be bothered.. u all can say that im shitty, unreasonable, or actions prove louder then words etc!.. i dont know wat she complained to her friends and i also not interested.. becos its her freedom.. all i can say is i know what i've been doing and i've tried my best.. and most importantly i've never cheated on her nor did i took this relationship for granted.. how her friends want to think is their personal freewill.. i wont be mad at them for saying nasty stuffs on my back.. all i can say is.. make sure u're able to do the same thing u're saying/thinking when u're in the same situation yourself..
