Tuesday, June 27, 2006
sian.. feeling so lost again.. its 11:02am now and yet i haven eat my breakfast.. really had no appetitide.. sighs.. last night quarrelled with darling again.. well it started off by she asking me about RO.. for some reasons i just feel as if she was suspecting that i wasnt sleeping and was doing something else while giving her the excuse that i was sleeping.. oh well.. i read her explanation awhile ago which was on her blog.. she said she thought that my account got hacked.. oh well but when we was talkin about it she didnt bring this out.. if she did explain to me nicely and let me know then i wont had misunderstood her if i did.. but the feeling she gave me and the way she asked really made me feel as if i was hiding the truth from her.. and i really hate this kind of questioning and feeling.. maybe this time she really didnt meant it but she cant blame me for thinking this way becos she always suspect me in the past.. think that i will be contacting other girls behind her etc.. sighs..
aniway our quarrel got bad becos she said she want to talk to me long etc.. but i didnt feel that i've neglected her today.. i did call her striaght away after i ended school.. not becos i want her to accompany me on the phone back home but i wanted to talk.. but when i got back home.. she ask me to go do my things.. but the way she sounded was like she want to put down the phone.. so i didnt held on and just said ok and we ended the chat.. then i was waiting on iRC for her brother to use finish so she can chat with me inside.. but waited for quite afew hrs her brother was still using the pc.. so i just slacked around and rest.. well then at around 5pm.. she smsed me told me she could use the pc already.. but that time i already on my bed.. but well i did got up and shut down my RO.. becos i dun wan she to think RO is my life again.. but i didnt expect she would login that time.. did she login again cos she feel im in RO and forgotten about her again?.. aniway i dont want to think..
i nv replied her sms at that moment becos im really tired.. and i dont want her to feel that oh she can online already then im going off.. cos she wont like it.. but oh well i guess i just created more problems.. after i logged out of RO i went back to bed.. and felt asleep unknowingly till i got woke up by darling's call at 7pm.. ask me not to miss the channel8 show.. so well i went down and watched tv and ate dinner till around 10:30pm then i went back to my room and called darling again.. but didnt did i expect this call would result in a bad ending.. we talked abit before she questioned about me logging out from RO.. and asked wat time i sleep.. obviously i would feel that shes suspecting me from the questioning.. sighs.. after that she made me felt worst by saying she waited so long to talk to me yet we quarrelled.. wtf.. my mind was in complete blank.. i didnt expect she will take these up and quarrel.. well to me i didnt feel that we've been talking very little.. at least we still did talked right.. its not like we never talked at all.. and afternoon she was the one suggesting to hang up.. how do she expect me to read her mind that oh she want to talk more.. i shouldnt hang up.. sighs.. this really made me upset..
actually for the past few days after our last quarrel.. i really love the feeling she gave me.. trying to be understanding, reasonable, better and allowing me to have my own private space when needed.. we did had a much better love life and i was happy.. but yet now i felt as if everything is back to square 1 again.. im really upset.. sighs.. i really dont know wat to do.. right after the quarrel i lied on my bed.. i did saw her sms asking "Are you feeling better or still the same?" but i dont know how to reply.. replying im feeling better is a lie.. saying im still the same she prolly will start another quarrel or so.. so in the end i didnt replied.. and after awhile she start calling me.. total about 15 miss calls with the last one at 2:12am.. i didnt answer.. becos i dont know wat to say and im afraid the quarrel might get worst if i did answer.. so i felt i need to give myself and her sometime to chill down.. sighs.. i tried to sleep.. but i woke up countless time in the night.. and everytime i open my eyes.. the first thing that comes into my head is our quarrel.. the whole night im being bothered by it.. sighs..
sighs.. i dont know wat to do anymore.. and well my parents still in bad mood.. ever since they quarrelled about my grandmother issue on Sunday morning.. the whole family just so shit up.. until today its still the same.. some people are very good at handling problems and stress.. but i must admit im the worst at handling such things.. all these is driving me nuts.. and not to mention what happened in class yesturday.. couldnt stand it anymore..
well sorry darling that i couldnt be there for u after we quarrel.. but at least u had someone else to console u.. but who can i call or find when i need someone?.. hais.. all i can do is bottle them up..
aniway i'll end here.. might continue when i get back from school later.. going to prepare for school...
