Tuesday, December 27, 2005
sighs i was bored.. then i went to surf around.. and read my mei shihui's blog.. i must say im really disappointed by her post written today.. when i read i was angry.. sad.. disappointed..
so tell me wats wrong with me choosing the girl i love.. isit a sin?.. did i make a mistake?.. mistake? yes maybe cos im such a fucking indirect bastard.. dont know how to reject people.. always think of others feelings and nv think about myself.. fuck me for being such a indirect guy k!.. i really wish i can be more striaght forward.. if i can.. my life wont be so fuck!!.. it would had been much better!!.. but i noe wat i want now!!.. ok let me say it clearly.. now.. i love selene K!.. i love her.. why cant i ?.. at least i feel comfortable and happy being with her.. why cant u all just let me be happy.. !!.. why for god sake!!.. is there anything wrong in loving someone!?..
shihui.. sorry for being so indirect to u all these years.. but i had always treated u as a sister.. i tot u shd noe that i really dont feel so happy to be with you.. i tried many times.. to like you.. to accept you.. but i cant deceive myself that your not the kind of girl i want as my wife.. if im the kind of guys that anyhow de.. i would have gone stead with you and flirt you until i got bored of you then i dump you.. would you like me to do that? or you prefer wat i am now.. seriously i wont anyhow accept/love a girl without having deep feelings for her.. becos i dont want to break up.. and hurt her.. so i rather i hurt her from the start by not accepting her rather then go stead with her and then break.. as a girl u tell me lor wat u prefer.. if i ever touch a girl and get kinda close to her before.. means i tried to like her and imagine us being together.. but if after that i nv get so close with her again.. its means that i already know that its hard for me to love her and she isnt the one whom i could spend the rest of my life with.. becos onces i chosen a girl there wont be a second one.. till she hurt me badly, reject me or break with me..
seriously shihui recently i tot u had changed to be a better girl.. but after reading ur blog just now.. i felt so disappointed.. your still the same!.. being jeolous at any girl i talk to or go out with.. cant you give me some freedom?!? cant i choose who i want to spend the rest of my life with??.. cant i live for myself onces?!.. why do i have to feel restricted always.. even when writting my blog i have to write indirectly to avoid shit.. wat the fuck!!!!... if you really love me!! u should let me be happy!!.. and not make me feel guilty whenever i talk to another girl thinking on how u will react if you found out that i know or talk to a girl.. you make it seems like i am ur boyfriend and i dumped you just becos i met another girl.. this is the kind of feeling you give me always u know!.. thats why i feel very irritated and stress when im with you sometimes..! and u always say other girls infront of me when u urself hate it.. then later u show me the kind of jeolous face and stuff.. do u noe i feel very horrible and unhappy?.. u all only think about urself.. yes theres nothing wrong with you liking me.. but can u at least respect my decision!?.. imagine you're me! and im you!!.. and think of me treating you like how your treating me now.. fucking tell me if you like it k!!..
why you girls can all write/talk about other guys without having to worry wat the guy will feel.. while when guys write/talk about a girl we get treated like a bastard/sinner.. its not like we went to have sex with other girls!.. u girls only noe how to think about urselves and prejudise guys to those jerk fuckers u all had met before.. and then feel that all guys are the same.. its not true k!.. at least i know im not!.. cos if i am.. i wont be such a loser in my boring pathetic life..!
shihui many times i wanted to treat u as a real sister.. telling you all my troubles and problems.. but onces and onces again u make me feel that i cant tell u any of my problems.. esp those related to girls.. bcos u will just get unhappy and stuffs and start to make me feel even more troubled..
i didnt reply you doesnt mean that i replied everyone else.. seriously speaking i have only been talking to 1 person recently.. that thats selene.. sometimes i feel stress to talk to her and answer her calls.. becos its people like you make me feel like as if im doing some "jian bu de guang de shi".. why everyone likedat!!.. cant you all respect my life!?.. do i have to ask you all for permission and tell u everything about the girl i love before i can love her.. fuck this!.. im sick of it.. im really tired.. now not only i have to stress about selene and myself i still have to stress on how to make u all happy.. how to make everyone happy while i take all the bad feelings!!..
you all dont want me to be happy right!? fine!!.. i wont be.. and i never will be!!.. i wont be going out anymore.. thanks to you all.. i will just fucking be at home.. no girls no shit.. fucking just die!!!!.. im so sad.. all the while im trying my best not to mia.. but now.. forget it.. i feel like dying.. the last hope of my life is gone.. and i dont know who is able to give me hope again... who to blame?.. myself.. for being such a indirect guy.. sorry to all my friends.. i've break my promise onces again.. sorry.. i hope you all will be happy.. i guess life without me also wont effect much on you guys.. as im nothing but a problematic person.. who would be happy with me?.. i dont think so...
to selene.. thank you.. for all the happy moments you had given me.. you really made me feel that i exist in this world.. i love you.. i really do.. but i really dont know what your thinking.. im sorry that i've giving you so much stress before.. but i feel that the one u love is eric.. dont feel bad becos i dont mind it at all.. although im sad and hurt but as long as your happy its okay.. i dont care who u choose.. me or eric.. i only care that you will be happy.. becos thats wat true love is about.. its not about having its about being happy with who you are.. i can see that u feel happy with eric and as for me i feel that the kind of happiness i can give u isnt really the kind u're looking for.. sighs..
i wish you and eric all the best! jiayou ok selene.. im sorry that i broke the promise again.. i promised u that i wont mia.. but this time.. i really cant help it.. im sorry.. aniway its my fault that so many things happened..
i miss you..
takecare..
signin off with tears..
