Monday, December 12, 2005
sianx.. today nothin much.. woke up in the morning feeling so dam tired.. duno why.. hate my bed.. arhh.. duno isit my bed or wat.. kns always cant sleep well.. fck loh haix!..
go sch.. also late kns.. then the lab teacher nag at me lor.. sian!.. hear liao ji tao feel dulan.. and vexed.. say later fail etc blah blah.. all the shit sighs.. this semester i really dono wat i doing sia.. am i more hardworkin or more slack sia.. i feeling more and more meaningless each day.. although i try to be positive nowadays.. but i still can feel the effects of depression in me.. it just wouldnt let me free.. maybe cos my life still has alot of problematic stuffs.. sighx..
actualli i havent been thinkin about the word "love" for a very long time.. since the last time i got badly hurt in it.. i swear to myself many times that i wont fall for another girl again.. but in between there was afew time i fall in love with someone.. mostly love at first sight / crushes.. but well all is one sided love.. fck love i say.. love suck!.. but seriously life without love is meaningless.. now i know why those guys that flirt can be so happy.. -.-.. becos they can get love from all the girls they flirt with.. but they nv do their part in the relationship and just keep letting the girl to give in to them and love them.. seriously i envy those guys that flirt.. i envy them becos they can do wat i can never do in my life and being loved by the girls around them.. sighz.. i sometimes hate myself for being a decent guy.. why cant i be like those guy that flirt.. sighz..
without love.. each day is just another sick day and it makes me ask myself "why the hack am i living in this world?".. sigh.. but my body had already started to reject girls and had the fear towards them in some sense.. and resulting in a shy character?.. is this the reason?.. seriously i myself dont even understand myself.. sighz..
wat kinda girl i like?.. seriously long time ago.. i hate a picture of a ideal girl friend.. in my mind.. becos i am a devoted guy and also affected by the characteristic of a virgo person.. i most of the time demand perfection.. which makes me kinda picky and choosy in many things that i do.. including choosing a gf i will say.. but onces i fall in love with a girl i will love her till i go mad.. and seriously i will be with her till we get married.. thats the mindset i had for relationships.. i wont anyhow find a girl and fuck around then ditch her.. seriously i dont think i went stead with a girl and ditch her before.. thats also why i dont anyhow accept girls.. if i feel that i dont feel alot for her i wont accept her love.. even if i have a little feelings for her i wont risk accepting her.. becos i dont believe the saying that feelings will grow as day pass.. for me.. i believe in the feeling i feel for her in the start and the kind of feeling i already had for her.. the kind of feeling that u will miss this person so dam much if u cant see her.. and u feel that the reason that keeps u alive and make u live for each day is her.. this kind of feeling i only had once.. a very very strong one.. which is the first girl i seriously fall in love with.. in secondary sch.. but i dont noe why she dont like me.. sighz.. i love her in my whole sec school life.. and it is also cos of her that my whole life is changed... sigh.. 4years of hurt.. who can understand that kinda torment.. i already forgotten how much my tears flow for her and how many times i feel like dying.. sigh.. after that i really kinda had phobia for alot of things.. its also one of the reason why i hate talkin on the phone...
sighz.. duno why today feel so emotional.. im afraid my depression will haunt me back.. then i really will be mia again.. sighz.. feeling kinda low lately....
aniway i wana write down some of the facts i see in girls.. and wat is my ideal girl..
- nice figure
u might say wa typical guy.. yea but i dont really demand alot on this.. as long as its slim im cool with it.. dont have to be super hour glass.. i dont like too thin girls as well.. i like abit of chubby kinda esp on the cheek.. reason i dont like fat girls is i dont like people to give that kinda look when i go out with her.. and im so thin lor.. u imagine a fat girl with a thin guy.. wat that gona look?.. seriously i dont like people to talk shit about me and my gf.. so i prefer slim girls..
- facial appearance
hmm.. i like good complexion girls.. it will make u enjoy kissing her.. hm ok lar i think i likdat say kinda bad to those with bad complexion but come on man this is a fact for me.. well most guys will love a chio bu.. well i also.. but i not so greedy cos i also nt so yandao to deserve a chio bu also.. as long as she dont make me puke when i see her shd be ok.. and well not to forget the eyes! =P i love big eyes that can shock u on sight! hahahas
- hair
long striaght hair.. but not too striaght until like fake lor.. long hair then more like woman ma.. more sexy.. and hor hair must smell nice.. and touch le will feel very shiok that kind..
- skin
erm.. alittle bit dark i dont like too white de..
-- characteristics--
- cute
- funny
- reasonable ( very important )
- understanding ( very important )
- caring
- cheerful
- sweet
- outgoing
- romantic ( eh nt only guys shd be romantic k )
- talkative ( not over talkative )
- wild and horny at the right time
- know how to teh
- not too innocent ( must noe how to scold cb haha! )
- gentle ( very gentle to me but hard to others :D )
- not too xiao qi
- not too naggy ( nag can be a form of care but over doing it is irritating!! )
- not over sensitive ( i hate those easy jeolous type of girls! girls u all imagine ur bf super sensitive de.. tell me if u will like it )
- dressing
seriously i dont really noe much about girls clothing but well.. i like those that dress sexy de.. yea.. but of cos not over sexy until like prostitude or wat la.. ermm.. aiyar dont noe how to describe.. aniway i think as long as she know wat to wear for wat occasion i think its fine.. em last time i use to like ah lians for wat they wear.. i just like how ah lians dress themslves sometimes..
- breast
wah i think i sound gay to talk about even this.. but yea i just saying wat is my ideal girl friend la.. ermm tits shd be quite big i would say.. maybe size B?.. aiya duno much about the sizes also but just average size lor.. but deffinitely NOT TOO big!.. and most important is firm and nice de lar.. i dont like too soft and saggy de tats all i can say.. else i feel like im a pervert kns..
ok lar when i think of more i will add on.. hmm reason why i talk abt all these shit is cos i wana remind myself when i read my blog... so i will still remember wat kind of girl is my taste and type de..
ok lar i stop here.. for now... might update this post in time to come..
