Sunday, April 17, 2005
its say that human are born selfish and self centered.. according to this incident it seem so true.. as long as they are doing well and fine.. they wont give a fark about others.. and wont care too.... i was too silly to believe a fairytale..
a fairytale called " best friend & brother " .. i tot i really had acquire some real friends in my life.. but looks like im wrong... in this world.. i dun think such zhong qing yi de ren chun zai..
actually from the start i know tat they might not be these kind of people.. becos i never really felt the kind of feeling like we are brothers.. but still i treat them as my brothers.. becos i belief that 1 day there might be miracle.. or maybe 1 day they will know how i cherish them..
but sometimes i really feel very hurt by them.. but i guess they are not sensitive enuf to feel it... but still i forgive them sometimes becos they are my brothers....
often i feel left out, lonely and pathetic.. becos they wont find me unless theres a need.. so sometimes i just wait and wait for them to call me.. actually thinking about it.. its quite sad.. they wont call me for a chat or so.. nor will they msg me online.. sometimes they will but its only when they are bored.. or so.. never did onces i really felt that they are talking to me as a real friend....
many times i feel very sad until it bleeds in my heart... but on the outside i pretend im cool... i know no matter how hard i try .. they also wont treat me like a real friend of theirs..
i really dream of doing a business with my best friends in my life.. i told them about it.. but i was very upset as they dont seem to bother.. i like to do many things with them.. but they always dont bother or care to really do it .... as time goes by.. i start to give up the hope and i start to feel that im so lost...
i dun wan them to force them to do wat they dun wan... so i give up gradually and i became a giving party most of the time.. i just do watever they want to do.. even sometimes its not wat i like i still try to be happy about it... so they wont know im giving in... anyway as a brother giving in is normal...
i know they wont care much about me.. even if they care its just words wise.. which everyone know how to... none of them will be willing to come down and accompany me when i need them.... but if they really need someone.. i will go and find them no matter how late or even if i will get a scolding from my parents... people might think im bull shitting, becos none of my best friends has asked me so... so theres no proof that i am able of doing this... choose to believe anot is up to you.. but i must say i am able to do it.. even if i have no transport i will also find my way to them....
as for me im always so lonely.. i know so far there wont be anyone will be willingly of doing this if i ask them to come down... so i never ask them to.. i just have to go through all of it alone.. you will never understand how i feels!! some people can be alone.. but i cant... maybe its becos of my fck up childhood... on the outside.. i seem like any normal guy.. and some people even think im fortunate.. i would say no one will understand the kind of misery im in.... infact i think no one even bother to make the effort to understand me... if they do.. they will know wat kind of person i am....
actually best friends... i have afew when i was in sec school... Benjamin, Benson, Cheng Ju, Gabriel, Zhi heng, Zhenning.. but Benjamin was striked out becos Gabriel always say about him backstabbing me.. eventually Gabriel was striked out becos of some problems related to Benjamin.. and i also experienced it myself...
Benjamin was onces really someone that could help me solve problems and make me feel better... but its just becos i take friendship seriously and im hurt by his backstabbing.. so i decide to hate him... until today i still hate him... although sometimes i am sick of the hatred.. but i wont forgive him until he is willing to amend the hurt he gave me... actually its easy.. just show me a sincer apology.. he did tried to apologize to me.. but it was not his will... and that time he was laughing away.. i still remember it was on the bus... how can that be a sincer apology.. if he dont realize his mistake.. he will do it again.. and it will be another impact on me... thats why i dont want to forgive him until he know wats his fault....
Zhiheng was onces also a brother of mine.. i still remember the 3 brother... Zhiheng, Zhenning and me... in this group sometimes i feel very miserable too.. becos i know Zhenning prefer him... and its obvious... when Zhiheng ask him do something he will do it.. while for me... its different... but still life goes on... but eventually Zhiheng drift away from us to his counter strike friends and the brother hood was dispersed...
this is where the 4 brothers was formed... Cheng Ju, Benson, Zhenning and me...but again similar things happened.. Zhenning and Benson were closer... i just continue to live with it.. and i still treat them all evenly..
Benson if u think i treat Zhenning better then you're wrong... if so i wont be bothered to call you and help u change your life.. and keep giving you pressure sometimes about your appearance and other things that you can improve on.. all these is not benefiting me if you think properly.. if you look better with a styled hair and better clothes does that do me any benefit? you guys dont get it eh.. all the things i say and do.. im caring and trying to help you all, all the while... perhaps you all didnt bothered... how i wish my friends can be so caring towards me.. but its a dream that will never come true... but still i care for you all even if its something that i wont get any credit from.. becos this is wat a real brother and best friend should do... not just going out and playing together will achieve it's meaning and purpose!!!
until recently after all the problems i had.. i can no longer be that cool and close 1 eye already so i am fustrated over the fact that Benson u're treating me like a transparent human.... you can say you didnt but feelings dont lie... if you never do it.. i can never feel it...
i let them noe how i felt and as i expected this is wat happened.. they only think about themself but never did they onces really though deeply for the opposite... and from i think.. they think they are the onces giving in and also the victim...
sighs anyway.... i will stop here for now...... need a break after recalling all these emotional past.... anyway i must say Benson and Zhenning u both hurt me badly... in term of mental and emotion... if hurting me makes you all happy… then i must say u all succeeded..
